Can Empathy be Learnt?

In a land faraway, there lived a king and queen with their 3 very beautiful daughters – Empathy, Sympathy and Pity. Empathy with her beautiful golden tresses was also blessed with a kind heart. Her heart ached every time a deer got hunted and she ran to comfort the departing soul and held it in her laps. Sympathy was beautiful and kind too. She also cried every time a deer was hunted down, but she understood that man had to eat too. Pretty Pity the youngest and the naughtiest thought she was kind too like her older sisters, for she felt sorry that the deer was not smart enough to outrun the man who hunted him.

Days, weeks, months and years pass away. The princesses are now beautiful, talented young ladies. They are more matured now or not? Empathy, as a child was often called the “cry baby” for she could not see the pain of another and felt compelled to help. Today Empathy feels more matured for she has taught herself to be more like her sister Sympathy. Pity continues to make merry in her merry world.

How did Empathy lose herself to Sympathy? Will Empathy rediscover herself? The real question is can empathy be learnt?

I think it can be learnt because all of us are hard wired for it. While researching this topic, I came across this TED Talk by John Marshall Roberts .Take a coffee break and listen in.

He says, “To empathize” will be the single most important trait to survive in the coming global era. I could not agree more. Look at how the world is changing. We, the selfish humans are evolving. Maybe technology is helping us do it but never the less some one thought of making websites like www.gofundme.com and then many of us choose to donate with a desire to elevate others from difficult situations. That is empathy with a dash of compassion.

Neuroscientists and researchers alike have proven that every time we feel the pain of another, there are fireworks in our brain to say the least. Neurons and pathways unique to that situation are created and over time this process becomes a unique trait to the person. As humans we learn to recognize our own faces from another. When we see another’s misery, a pain is triggered in our heart and mind too. Over this journey called Life, we have trained our minds to focus on ourselves because it is survival of the fittest. I too am guilty of telling my child, “When you are in school, mind your own-self. Don’t get into other peoples problems.” I say this because I know the education system does not reward empathy and has no sympathy. I regret saying it because as a parent, I know I am doing it wrong, but I have to make a choice and like many others take the short sighted and more pragmatic approach.

Empathy gap can be found in every level of relationship at work and our homes. A manager punishing an employee for missing a deadline because her child was sick at home or a child forgetting to call parents because there is nothing new to talk about. The gap is everywhere.

Can this be changed? Yes it can. I came across this very cool and fun test called “Read the Mind in the Eyes Test” . I want you to take it and share your results. My score was 27. So I am a borderline empathetic person.  Here is the link again Read the Mind in the Eyes Test .

The two easiest ways to learn to empathize in my opinion are:

• Listen more: That’s all it takes. Listen. In the modern world, we text and emote with icons. But we are humans not machines. We were made to talk with each other, and when pain comes, the best medicine is “a listening ear.” Just listen. You may not have a solution or an answer and that’s okay.
• Try to be another: Ever wondered how some actors give such brilliant performances while there are many other actors who are famous but not brilliant. It’s because the brilliant ones live the life of their character so they can become the character. When an actor loses, gains weight, or lives in slums to understand the life, they are living their character and so their performances are more real than not.  This is not an easy feat to accomplish. It is very difficult to walk in another’s skin. Start with your own home. Start empathizing with your own loved ones. Recognize that work can be rough, recognize that home can be hard too, recognize that children are humans and mistakes happen – make your home a welcoming “be yourself” haven for all who come in. This is a reminder to self too.

Empathy is critical for all relationships and as Daniel Goleman pointed years ago, EQ will and continue to define success be at on a personal or professional front.   The world is changing and here’s another proof The Empathy Museum, where instead of borrowing a book, you can borrow an individual and learn about their life.

We can all learn to empathize. We are all born with it. Let us re-learn to empathize and teach our children too. If we have to use a weapon, let us make empathy our weapon of choice to create a world without war and terror.