Author: Shilpa Verma

At the first read, my interpretation of the text was that every women needs to be an executive striving for success and if she doesn’t, she is short selling herself.  Second read, I read it differently. It does not say that. The book simply asks us to identify our aspirations irrespective of the conventions around us.  It could be interviewing for that dream job or the vice versa leaving corporate world and doing something for yourself. Either way, it tells us women to find what makes us happy and go for it. 

A few days ago, she was asked a simple question, why do we say thank you? Came from a 4 year old  who didn’t want to express gratitude and her mom was just being adamant that she should. I am sure you all know who the mom was, so moving on. Mom tried to explain that it’s just a way of saying “you liked what you got and are happy.”

“But I am smiling, that means I am happy,” came the smart response. “Why do I have to say thank you every time?” It was a busy day, so making a mental note to herself, Mom carried on.

Come night time, Mom’s “me” time. She is busy texting away with friends in India, when she says “thank you” to her friends for promoting her blog on their FB walls. They all in one voice say, “don’t say thank you, that’s what friends are for.” And it took her back to her college days, when often she was the center of attention simply because she said thank you for an act that was considered intrinsic of the job description.

It took me back to yet another time. A time when my older one had also stopped saying thank you and I struggled at that point too. For not too long ago as a  family we moved from the heart of the USA, Midwest to the Silicon Valley. The Valley where all the magic happens. The Valley where if you can imagine it, chances are you will find like minded folks who will help you make it a reality too.  

Coming to the valley, showed me a US that I never knew existed. Here was a state which was a melting point of ethnicities.  California is ethnic but I am still debating on whether it is diverse or not. Diversity to me is when in a class of 30 students there are a few blends of ethnic flavors, and few is more than three to me. 

Ethnicity is an interesting concept. True, that different cultures bring in new perspectives and introduce us to the world around us. It also brings in something else, variations of the simple “Thank you.“

7 years ago when we moved to the valley, my son then 5, stopped using his Please and Thank you’s and upon asking why? He simply said, “no one else does.” Sadly, he was right. This is something I had noticed too and had hoped that it would escape the innocence of my son. But it did not.

Does that mean that people here are rude? ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

My friends in India often joked that I should have been born in the US, not because I didn’t know the local language but simply because I did something which was not considered a necessity.  India is a very emotional country.  It has cradled civilizations for centuries and with this age comes the maturity of relationships. Relationships that are taken for granted and yet go beyond the Please and Thank you’s. Relationships that tell each other that we are there for you no matter what. 

And similar is the case of other Asian countries.  Like India, they have too cradled civilizations and matured.

The western part, no not western, but the US is a much younger country. A country that prides itself in individualism, innovation and its capability to adapt to change.  The immigrants brought with themselves the cultures they grew up with. The assimilation of cultures has found its balance and the American way of life is very informal.  American culture is not rigid and set in manners, unlike the European countries that brought in the early settlers and immigrants.

This cross cultural drift often leaves our kids “in between” cultures.  In the US, it is good manners to say thank you to a clerk who helps you, a store attendant who answers a question or just about anyone who you talk with, specific relationship ties are not necessary.  But in India, I was never taught to do that. I was taught to be polite and respectful, but not necessarily say thank you. 

I am not a historian or a cultural expert. Just a mom, who sparked by the simple question of her younger one is trying to understand the importance of the two magic words. 

My conclusion, the difference between why some cultures use please and thank you so abundantly while others don’t, probably stems from their roots. 

The age differences of the countries.

The United States is a very young country as compared to some of its Eastern counterparts. It’s still in its twenties and  defining its relationships, trying to understand what works and what does not. It’s been at the brink many times, but its youthful capabilities to adapt help it bounce back like no other country. The pride and arrogance of adolescence coupled with its young energy allows it to reign without mimicking its ancestral roots.

Gratitude is present in every culture. Across the globe we all know and understand the word ‘thank you,’ however here in The United States, we express it abundantly, because the youthful nature of the country allows it to show gratitude without wondering whether it should or not.

Coming back to my problem, what do  I tell the 4 year old and not let this cultural difference change the values that are important to me. I did the same thing, that I did with my son. When he resisted saying please and thank you, I stopped responding.  

Success rate; Partial.

As for me, I continue to say “thank you.” My friends still remind me in every chat session and I say Oops! every time. I know when I meet them, this habit will entertain them for a few minutes and that’s okay, because when they chose me for a friend, they chose me with all the please’s and thank you’s that come with me. 

Thank you is important to me. I say thank you not because I am being formal, but because I appreciate what you did for me. I say thank you not because I am Ms. Elegant, but because I really like the gift you gave me. It’s a simple word but can bring the widest smile on a glum face. 

So, Thank You! 

She could not hold back the tears in her eyes. He looked at her and she instantly knew that he recognized her. It was that understanding, that bond, that knowing which goes beyond words. It was the bond between a mother and her son.  He was the first child she had ever held in her hands. And she had waited a good five years for him to come into her world and turn it completely inside out.  

Some of you might remember my post “Promise to Self.” The story of a lost mother trying to understand her child was not a figment of my imagination, it was me and my son.  And yes, he taught me then how to raise him, and he continues to teach me every day on how to be a better parent to him and his sister. 

Now that I look back, I think I knew it since way before I even thought about marriage, that I will have a son. I was in 12th grade, finishing high school (gosh that seems like a life time before :)) when I heard the name for the first time. The name, it stuck with me. I can still remember that moment, upon hearing the name.. it triggered many neurons and connections alike.. and I said to myself, when I get married, if I have a son, this will be his name.  I have always believed, that when we really really want something, all the cosmic forces come together to make it happen. And they did for me too. They blessed me with a beautiful child. The pregnancy with him was easy peesey lemon squeezey. I was a bundle of energy, doing 12-14 hours work days making budgets and grinding those numbers till they made some monetary sense to the management, and still feeling good about myself. I wondered then, why women complaint about being pregnant. Now I am wiser and know better 🙂 

He was a week early and yes very eager to come into his bright loving new world. But no one told me that babies can be colicky. They told me “as long as they are fed, and have a clean diaper, they are happy.” I can now tell you thats a lie. A complete lie.   

Mine was different.  The first night home was nothing short of a crying marathon, it was 5.20am, we finally decided to sleep after 8 hours of non stop rounds of rocking and crying.  But you know what they say, God moves in mysterious ways. He can’t come to all of us for every little problem, so he put people on Earth to help each other.  First thing in the morning, I got a call from a dear friend M, ranted it all out and she listened patiently and said, “it will get better, he’s just a day old, poor baby he must be confused too. And the next thing I know, she came over just because…” What does one do at moments like these, besides thank god for sending friends like such in our lives.  In the evening, another sign; My absolutely wonderful neighbor B. Met her in the evening, rocking the little one and ranting my story again, and trying to fake a smile as proof of how great I felt to be a mom.   She said, don’t worry, its a switch, just hang in there for 10 weeks it will turn off on its own.  A simple reassurance, but it felt great, it made me feel “this is normal, it happens to others too.” 10 weeks at that point seemed like eternity away. But she was right, come 10 weeks, and it was actually a switch. The crying stopped and I no longer dreaded the evening and night hours. 

He was four years old when the dinosaur phase started and for 3 straight years after that, all we did was read books on dinosaurs. He wanted to be a paleontologist and wanted a brother so he could name him Chomper after his favorite dinosaur T-Rex. The dinosaurs will always hold a special place in my family, because he learnt how to write ABC by writing dinosaur names. From Dinosaurs, we moved on to Pokemon, and God bless the one who made Pokemon cards, because we learnt how to read by reading Pokemon cards. Then came Bakugan, we practiced our math with the game points. 

From a 21inch baby he is now a five foot young boy who dreams of going to a good college and becoming an engineer like his dad and also an environmental lawyer. Why a lawyer? Well he figured that out on his own too, he says he likes to argue a lot, so being a lawyer is good profession. And I admire his clarity and thinking. Because at 11 years of age, yes I was living independently in a hostel, but I did not have a clue of what I wanted to do in life. 

He will turn 11 this week. And he wants a super special present. Why? I ask. His answer, “because M, my birthday is the beginning of spring. My birthday is about life. Everything comes alive on my birthday.” And that is true. He is the life of my home. 

As I look forward to the next decade only to realize that its less than a decade he will be on his way to college. A proud and scary moment. As a mother, I think, what should I teach him. Should I teach him how to be a good cook, so he can always feed himself. Should I teach him how to wash his own laundry, so he always has clean clothes to wear or should I simply teach him a little bit of everything.  I decide against all this. 

I am going to tell him that I am always going to be there and watching him in my own special way. Not because I am an over protective helicopter mom, but because a part of him is actually me or is it the other way round and how does one let go of one’s own self?

I want him to know that I have and always will be very proud of him.  

Finding a job is a job in itself. Heard this before. I am sure you have and so have I. However am realizing it only now. As a SAHM of ten years, when I decided to start the job hunt, the first task was to build a resume. Not as easy as it sounds. In fact it was everything but fun. The first round of question was, should I write “being a mom” in the cover letter or not. Tangential but a valid question, should I include “volunteering at school” and all projects completed in the resume or not.  After going back and forth, I decided Yes, I will write that I am a SAHM and an active volunteer at school.  

The second round of business was to identify what kind of job I want to do? With an undergrad in Engineering, a Masters in Finance,  skill for writing and work experience in the budgeting and recruitment, what sector should I target for. Should I go back to budgeting, recruitment or start afresh; chuck all that I know out of the window and acquire new skills, sort of like my flip phone that I proudly replaced with a smart phone.  

Before I could decide what job, which job and find answers to all these questions. It was important for me to understand what the corporate world today looked like. For you see, another angle to this story is the fact that I want to continue being a mom. I still want to be able to drop off and pick up my kids. So that limits it further.  I Googled and read article after article on the changing work force expectations.

Outsourcing was making a full circle and coming back. Industries were now looking for national talent. The work environment today is diverse, continuously evolving and global. It is no longer a traditional work environment. In addition to the basic reading, writing and arithmetic, employers are now also looking for critical thinking, problem solving, resourcefulness, communication, collaborative and creating thinking.  Btw, for the record, these skills are what we SAHM’s excel at. Ok, OK, promise no trumpet blowing ! 🙂 

Resume’s worked when the only form of communication was through the post office. In the days of paper and pen, resume’s helped keep a paper trail. File folders decorated the offices of many companies. as the static data bank companies kept and searched through when a job opening came up. 

The road maybe long, but its always one step at a time. Sometimes its the process of doing it, that is more important than the end result.

Let us fast forward to today, 2013, where IQ, EQ have been joined by SQ: Social Quotient. It’s a world of quotients. Being intelligent and a team player is not enough. One has to have a social presence too. Many companies no longer want a resume, they are hiring interns based on how they tweet to the posed questions.  Browse through this article as an example of the trends changing Tweets, not re’sume’s, are trending.  In addition to this, companies that dare to challenge the norm and cause a paradigm shift are demanding novel add ons’ to the re’sume’s.  For instance, in my recent hunt to look for writing tasks, came across this part time position, More than Re’sume’ (I gave this position a random name, the actual position title can be viewed at the company website) at The Khan Academy.  These are but a few companies hat have harnessed the power of the internet to change the way the world works.

What does all this mean to me? It shows me a golden pot at the end of the rainbow 🙂  I don’t know if I will find a job which will allow me to make significant contributions and also allow me to do all the “mom duties.” But what I do know is that the winds are changing direction. Companies are beginning to realize how under represented the women work force is, they are now making efforts to bring the moms back to work. WSJ recently reported McKinsey tries to recruit Mother’s who left the fold.

All of the above is good news, but coming back to the question we started with, how does one add the dynamic skill set on the resume.  The answer is you can’t. You can write the details on the projects, and how you approached the project and so forth. The changing winds are now demanding that the employers read between the lines and look for employees who can learn, evolve and adapt at the same time.  

So if you are a SAHM like me wanting to go back to work, don’t lose heart, and most importantly, don’t compromise on the scope of work. As a start go ahead, research on any of the posts above and if you succeed, keep me posted. I promise a shout out in your honor on my blog.

Keep searching and the right job role will come. It might take some time, but remember what we tell our kids: Be Patient: Good things happen to those who wait.  This mommy mantra works on grown ups too. 

Enjoy the job search, its one of the joys of full-time motherhood!

The original post for today was a shift from the life themed posts, and an effort to move back into business writing: The flimsy plastic bag. 

Like most eighty three year olds, he too supported his body with a few medicines, however, the mind was young and allowed him to stand tall and proud. He had every reason to be proud for he had raised his family, his grand kids and now had the pride of seeing and raising his great grand kids too. Never once did I see him frown, always a smile and a stately wave.  Last night was different though. Amongst the bright lights of a fire truck and ambulances, his soul left this materialistic world to move on to a happier place.  Met his wife of sixty three years in the morning, she carries forward his legacy of standing tall and proud. She told me it was instant, less than three minutes and it was all over.

I didn’t know what to say. I sat there looking dumb and speechless. Somehow, rhetoric sentences; he’s in a better place, he went peacefully and such seemed meaningless. I sat there looking at her and admiring her composed poise. She had tears and yet managed to ask me how my kids were doing with a smile. Such composure comes only when one has realized a content life and attained a level of freedom that most dream about. 

A few relatives came and respecting their privacy, I offered my help and exited, surprisingly not with a heavy heart, but a reassurance that she will be okay for she continues to be surrounded by life. 

At such moments, often, we wish, if only time had stopped, if only time would return. With the advent of the western calendar we have been trained to think of time as a linear function. Time is anything but linear.  “To stop” would be an antithesis to time.  Time is continuity. Moving on and never stopping is its nature.  

My paternal grandfather taught me, to never ever wish for time to stop.  He said, “just imagine, what would happen to those who were going through a bad time, and time decided to slow down or stop?” He was a wise man. Thank you for teaching me to always wish for time to keep moving so the good times can continue and the bad times can move on to make way for the good times. 

Don’t save that dress for a special occasion, wear it today, for today is the present. Don’t wait for next monday to go to the gym, go today for the “next” monday will always be a week away. Don’t postpone a vacation because you need to save, plan that vacation, memories are built by moments and not money.  Don’t wait for that perfect moment to propose, do it now, so tomorrow you can be together to enjoy life.  Live today. 

He was my neighbor of six years and this is my tribute to him. 

A feeling that is assumed and taken for granted in its infancy, but grows to be a choice.  So, is love a choice? I think so. Be it any relationship, it’s a choice. A choice we make consciously and nurture patiently with kindness, care and affection; the combination is love.  In our lifespan we cross paths with millions, but choose to be friends with a handful.  Once again, even though we meet many who are kind, gentle and caring souls, we choose to bond with a few.  

Romance. Made this painting for a client. It is more than the hearts. It depcits love that spans time, has its ups and downs and yet emerges triumphant, vibrant and alive.

Some relations are given to us and with the right nurturing we always value them. Some we build, and those are, our friends and that significant someone. 

We meet many, and love many, but romance only one. Romance and love are often considered synonyms, however love comes in many forms, romance comes in only one.  In today’s times, love is generic, romance is a brand 🙂  Life, makes us meet many, by choice, we choose who to care for, how we want to care for and how much we want to care for. Once the choice is made, then comes the decision to love and acknowledge it.  To a friend, acknowledgement is helping and being there for them.  To the special one, acknowledgement is not just being there, its also important to say those three little words.  Love without acknowledgement is like a dream without aspirations.  Its one thing to love a person, but to say “I love you” is a whole different ball game. It is this relationship that is the hardest and needs the most work. For it brings out the best in us, it is this love that makes our dreams a reality and yet sometimes hurts the most too. 

An up close look at Romance.

I know what you’re thinking. Since when has love been so logical. It’s supposed to be illogical isn’t it? Love isn’t logical, but we are.   I don’t know if it’s the mind that makes us love or the heart that tells the mind to love. All I know is, when they talk to you; listen to both of them.  You will realize they are two sides of the same coin. They are nature’s watchdog’s that present us with two different scenarios, once again we choose what we want to see and ignore the other, and so starts the cycle of choose, decide and acknowledge all over again.  

He was ready to come, and they were trying hard. And then finally she heard, he’s here, and before she knew it, he was placed on her chest. The instructions were hold him tight, he knows you already. Tears started rolling down her cheeks. He was literally the first child she had ever held in her arms. It was magical. He was her son. It was hard to believe that she had created this living being. A whole human being was thriving in her for nine months and even though they had never met, they knew each other.   

As night came, he cried and the moment she held him, he would stop crying. She said to herself, its a coincidence, how can someone a day old be so smart. How can someone whose brain is still developing recognize a touch? But he did and proved it to her. One night, he was crying, for you see he was colicky, night times were not exactly his favorite. And she had gone down the “to do”list three times, and nothing seemed to work. She put him down on the bed.. and said “what do you want me to do. Tell me, I don’t know this stuff. This is new to me too.” At that moment it happened, for a hair splitting second he stopped crying and their eyes met, at that moment she knew what to do. She laid down on the bed, made him sleep on his chest, covered themselves with a blanket and kissed him good night. 

She knew the doctor would be mad for co-sleeping. She knew the nurse had warned her of kids suffocating to death in grown up beds, but she didn’t care. She was his mother and her instincts could not be wrong.   That night she made a promise to herself, she will take care of her kids and next morning, she quit her job. A job that brought in a handsome 70K. But she did not care. 

Such is the story of many SAHM’s like me. Now when I think about it, its very similar to a suicidal moment. I know you’re thinking .. WTH is she talking about! But seriously, it is that split second of a moment when we take that decision. If someone would stop and hold back, then maybe in a day or two, the decision would be different.  Maybe sanity would kick in.. LOL!  It’s the most rewarding feeling, but comes with a “Groundhog day” life. 

I am not trying to justify or start a debate on the topic of SAHM vs. Working Mom’s. I think we all agree that both situations have their challenges and there is no right or wrong answer to this debate. Its a personal preference, because we are all different.  But I do want to bring forward are the promises that we make to ourselves. 

A fresh out of college student, a newly wed couple, first child, second child, 40th birthday and so forth are all milestones in a typical average Joe or Jane. The priorities and promises we make to ourselves change with us.  And as we keep going, some where along the journey the aspirations and dreams get buried under grocery lists, soccer schedules, doctor appointments and corporate presentations. 

To me that is; Life, it happens.  

Life happens to all of us, but there are a brave few, who either don’t let the aspirations get buried, or take a moment to pause and dig those dreams and aspirations from the rubble of life.  It is these few who dare to walk the path less travelled.  Joe and Jane say they are lucky to live their dreams. Are they?  Are they really luckier? Or are they simply those who took the time and effort everyday to do something, a tiny little task that helped them move closer to their dreams and literally one step at a time, crossed the bridge of life to reach their dreams. 

We all need to pause, and think of what we want to do besides life. Maybe it is to learn a new language, start a business, learn to salsa, or maybe go visit the Swiss Alps.  What ever that dream is, pull it out and make a promise to yourself today, to make it a reality. 

10 years ago, the dream was to see “every first” of my child. Today, that dream stays, and joining it is another dream to make a living. Why? I haven’t quite figured it out yet.  But I do know, the dream has been in the making for a few years and now has taken shape.