Category: Friendships

I have both  and they are poles apart. Besides their genetic DNA being the same,there is nothing common between the two. She loves fruit, He does not. He loves milk, She does not. He loves cheese, she does not. She loves yogurt, he does not. He loves sports, she loves reading and the list goes on.

Boys will be boys is ingrained in our adult heads. When the boys can’t sit or stay steady, we always tell them, try to focus, have patience, try it slowly, one step at a time and you will get it OR we simply laugh it off and say, it’s a typical boy style. Failing grades, lack of social skills, naughty behavior, it all gets justified under the phrase “boys will be boys.” If lack of focus is the typical boy style, then how does it not transfer to adult hood? What happens to these hyper boys when they become men. Why is it that the hyper boys who were lagging behind in schools suddenly start dominating the working world to a point that gender inequality becomes a hot political issue.

Makes me wonder is there such thing as “girls will be girls?” Yes, there is and sadly its scarier than the boy counterpart.  I looked at my own self and how I “deal” with the differences. Unknowingly, like many parents, I too have been making a serious parenting error.  After I read the New York Times article by Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson, I was angry at myself for making such a blatant error in parenting.  Through our parenting difference, we let the boys know its okay, just focus and you will do better next time. However for our self controlled girls who can follow directions and listen attentively in class, we compliment them on their good behavior and in turn they start associating focus, discipline, perfection with “being good.”  This playing it safe and follow the rules translates into highly capable women playing it safe at careers too. We think about consequences of events that have not even occurred and find a safe strategy so that if the worst happens we can “deal” with it. The problem is not boy or girl personality differences, the problem is how we approach those differences.

The grit that boys develop under the freedom of “boys will be boys” umbrella allows them the freedom to speak up for themselves and thus the phrase “it’s a male dominated environment.” The problem is not who is smarter.  Research has proven that smart girls and smart boys are not different. The difference is in how they react to a problem. Boys just take it head on in their “boys will be boys” style, girls on the other hand try to find the safe path and thus often feel more frustrated because intellectually they know it’s not the best solution.

What happens to those boys and girls who are exceptions to the rule? Smart girls who dare to be different and would rather shoot a basketball than flaunt a skirt, sometimes have it the worst. Their intellect demands perfection and yet their boyishness creates the need to push the limits. The combination is a less than perfect result which can be very frustrating for the perfect smart girl. But just like the typical boy, the girls here develop grit and learn to fight. It is these girls and later career woman that dare to speak up in a conference room full of men. Smart Boys who tend to follow the rules and play it safe have a hard time too for they get categorized as nerdy and boring. They lack the social interaction and can succumb to the peer pressures of the need of academic excellence as their safe heaven.

Fast forward to teenage and this becomes a bigger problem. A typical “Boys will be boys” umbrella expands to include failing grades and detentions. This umbrella though has failing grades is not judged as harshly, because they are boys and now they are discovering their manhood. The typical “Girls vs. Girls” umbrella expands to include inferiority complexes and an a sense of pseudo narcism. This umbrella is judged harshly. Questions such as  what happened to her, why is she developing this sense of self comparison, why is she following and more start creeping into a typical parent conversation.

Both the umbrellas are equally challenging and the solutions are not easy for either. At this point, the parents need to step in with nerves of steel and an unshakeable faith in the child and their upbringing. You cannot convince a boy that the secret to success is good grades and similarly you cannot convince a girl to not pay attention to her physical appearance. The “need” for females to be beautiful maybe superficial but It’s an unsaid expectation of the world.  Let us just accept it and stop fighting it. Accepting this need will open doors of communication. Instead of fighting the skirts and crop tops, let them wear it. A few days in the school being dainty will bring in the realization “beauty can be tiresome too.” 13 year old boys consider “shaving” as the all act of manliness. You can try explaining the scientific reason of not starting early, but that “need to shave” to prove a point will only get stronger – so let them shave. They do it for  a few times and wish they had listened better.
Personally for me, the parenting curve has been a very steep one. There was a time when I saw my style as a complete failure. To help bring myself back on the right track, I decided to look into the past. Yes, past that is often forgotten can sometimes have amazing insights.

I realized that the attitudes of the teens are nothing more than the tantrums of a toddler.

It’s important to recognize that all the teenage attitude is just a blown up form of toddler tantrums. When they were 3 years old and threw a tantrum in Target. We did not get angry, we patiently talked to them and helped them calm down. Fast forward 10 years, tantrums become attitudes and as parents we have no patience and expect them to behave like adults. They are not adults, they are 13 years old. They still need our help, they still need the rules and they are going to try and push hard to break them, just like the 3 year old who cries hardest hoping mommy and daddy will get tired of the crying and buy the new toy, but mommy and daddy were patient then. They need to be patient now too. The smart phone is like the pacifier, don’t snatch it away. Be patient and they will eventually learn to put it away.  

As parents we need to start talking to each other  more. We shy away thinking our kids will be judged. Why didn’t we feel so when our babies were toddlers? Why was it okay to share their tantrums then and not now? Remember the parent club that helped you get past the turbo two’s without losing sanity, reconnect with the group. You might be surprised to see how desperate every parent is to talk to another.

 Genetics defines our physical appearance and nothing more. Behavior traits are our own. As parents we need to realize that every trait can be improved upon with patience and love.

Hold on to the parenting rope. The tug of war will continue but if as parents unite to understand their needs and differences, chances are we will be able to draw on this tug of war.