Mom – Shilpa's

Mother’s Day is Over… What Now?

To be a mother is a choice, and it’s a choice she makes every time she puts herself aside to see the smiles of her own. She knows they came through her but not for her and yet she lives for them.

What kind of mom are you? The hyper one, or the over dramatic one or are you the famous helicopter mom, oh wait are you the one who is always busy and then you do find time to judge or maybe you are the kind gentle soul who puts everyone before you. It doesn’t matter because today the world celebrates you, The Mom. You get showered and pampered with gifts and hugs galore. Today you are a queen, and the CODES are all correct.

CODES, yes CODES. There are CODES to keep a mom happy and I stumbled upon them while researching on neuroscience. Why neuroscience is a subject for another blogpost, for now, let us focus on the CODES for a happy Mom.

Interestingly enough, most of human behavior comes down to 5 neurochemicals – Cortisol, Oxytocin, Dopamine, Endorphins and Serotonin; collectively and lovingly called CODES.

Cortisol – Your Mom and you don’t want excess of Cortisol. This is a hormone that’s released when the body is stressed.

Oxytocin – lovingly called the cuddle hormone is released with a hug, a kiss and all the goody warm feelings. So yes, both you and your mom need plenty of this.

Dopamine – This is your reward for discovering something new. It could be cooking a new recipe, listening to a new song, and so forth. And yes, we need this too. Discovering keeps life interesting and moving forward.

Endorphins – Endorphins get released after you exercise/or any physical activity. That high you get after running the 5K, yes that’s endorphin high, the good kind of high. We all need the activity to keep our hands and legs moving without aches and pains.

Serotonin – Is the reward for helping others, feeling good about yourself, making a positive impact on another’s life. Generally every time we make an effort to stay in touch with others and get a positive result, we get rewarded with Serotonin. So yes, call your mom often, a text, a phone call, a card, a FaceTime video – anything, just keep in touch with the fellow human beings and most importantly your mom.

She doesn’t need stress, so don’t do anything that is against her values. You can disagree with her, but give her the hug she deserves. Encourage your mom and yourself to try new things. Challenge your inner self and take a step towards a path unknown. The charisma of the unknown will yearn for more and keep you moving forward towards a healthier physical self and finally stay in touch folks, and I mean actually pick up the phone and call your mom, call your friends, call anyone you wish to be in touch with. If they say, they are too busy and forgot to call you, that’s ok, let them be busy because you got your CODES going for yourself and hopefully they will find their CODES too.

Tomorrow we will share stories of what we did on Mother’s day and how special it was. As we share our glories, let us not forget the mother who struggles with infertility or the single mom who worries about tomorrow.

Let us hope they will find their CODES and embrace and celebrate themselves. Let us also hope that our loved ones will remember their CODES and help us bask in the warmth of today.

Today was Happy Mother’s Day. Let the remaining 364 days be Happy You Day.

Boys vs. Girls

I have both and they are poles apart. Besides their genetic DNA being the same,there is nothing common between the two. She loves fruit, He does not. He loves milk, She does not. He loves cheese, she does not. She loves yogurt, he does not. He loves sports, she loves reading and the list goes on.

Boys will be boys is ingrained in our adult heads. When the boys can’t sit or stay steady, we always tell them, try to focus, have patience, try it slowly, one step at a time and you will get it OR we simply laugh it off and say, it’s a typical boy style. Failing grades, lack of social skills, naughty behavior, it all gets justified under the phrase “boys will be boys.” If lack of focus is the typical boy style, then how does it not transfer to adult hood? What happens to these hyper boys when they become men. Why is it that the hyper boys who were lagging behind in schools suddenly start dominating the working world to a point that gender inequality becomes a hot political issue.

Makes me wonder is there such thing as “girls will be girls?” Yes, there is and sadly its scarier than the boy counterpart. I looked at my own self and how I “deal” with the differences. Unknowingly, like many parents, I too have been making a serious parenting error. After I read the New York Times article by Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson, I was angry at myself for making such a blatant error in parenting. Through our parenting difference, we let the boys know its okay, just focus and you will do better next time. However for our self controlled girls who can follow directions and listen attentively in class, we compliment them on their good behavior and in turn they start associating focus, discipline, perfection with “being good.” This playing it safe and follow the rules translates into highly capable women playing it safe at careers too. We think about consequences of events that have not even occurred and find a safe strategy so that if the worst happens we can “deal” with it. The problem is not boy or girl personality differences, the problem is how we approach those differences.

The grit that boys develop under the freedom of “boys will be boys” umbrella allows them the freedom to speak up for themselves and thus the phrase “it’s a male dominated environment.” The problem is not who is smarter. Research has proven that smart girls and smart boys are not different. The difference is in how they react to a problem. Boys just take it head on in their “boys will be boys” style, girls on the other hand try to find the safe path and thus often feel more frustrated because intellectually they know it’s not the best solution.

What happens to those boys and girls who are exceptions to the rule? Smart girls who dare to be different and would rather shoot a basketball than flaunt a skirt, sometimes have it the worst. Their intellect demands perfection and yet their boyishness creates the need to push the limits. The combination is a less than perfect result which can be very frustrating for the perfect smart girl. But just like the typical boy, the girls here develop grit and learn to fight. It is these girls and later career woman that dare to speak up in a conference room full of men. Smart Boys who tend to follow the rules and play it safe have a hard time too for they get categorized as nerdy and boring. They lack the social interaction and can succumb to the peer pressures of the need of academic excellence as their safe heaven.

Fast forward to teenage and this becomes a bigger problem. A typical “Boys will be boys” umbrella expands to include failing grades and detentions. This umbrella though has failing grades is not judged as harshly, because they are boys and now they are discovering their manhood. The typical “Girls vs. Girls” umbrella expands to include inferiority complexes and an a sense of pseudo narcism. This umbrella is judged harshly. Questions such as what happened to her, why is she developing this sense of self comparison, why is she following and more start creeping into a typical parent conversation.

Both the umbrellas are equally challenging and the solutions are not easy for either. At this point, the parents need to step in with nerves of steel and an unshakeable faith in the child and their upbringing. You cannot convince a boy that the secret to success is good grades and similarly you cannot convince a girl to not pay attention to her physical appearance. The “need” for females to be beautiful maybe superficial but It’s an unsaid expectation of the world. Let us just accept it and stop fighting it. Accepting this need will open doors of communication. Instead of fighting the skirts and crop tops, let them wear it. A few days in the school being dainty will bring in the realization “beauty can be tiresome too.” 13 year old boys consider “shaving” as the all act of manliness. You can try explaining the scientific reason of not starting early, but that “need to shave” to prove a point will only get stronger – so let them shave. They do it for a few times and wish they had listened better.
Personally for me, the parenting curve has been a very steep one. There was a time when I saw my style as a complete failure. To help bring myself back on the right track, I decided to look into the past. Yes, past that is often forgotten can sometimes have amazing insights.

I realized that the attitudes of the teens are nothing more than the tantrums of a toddler.

It’s important to recognize that all the teenage attitude is just a blown up form of toddler tantrums. When they were 3 years old and threw a tantrum in Target. We did not get angry, we patiently talked to them and helped them calm down. Fast forward 10 years, tantrums become attitudes and as parents we have no patience and expect them to behave like adults. They are not adults, they are 13 years old. They still need our help, they still need the rules and they are going to try and push hard to break them, just like the 3 year old who cries hardest hoping mommy and daddy will get tired of the crying and buy the new toy, but mommy and daddy were patient then. They need to be patient now too. The smart phone is like the pacifier, don’t snatch it away. Be patient and they will eventually learn to put it away.

As parents we need to start talking to each other more. We shy away thinking our kids will be judged. Why didn’t we feel so when our babies were toddlers? Why was it okay to share their tantrums then and not now? Remember the parent club that helped you get past the turbo two’s without losing sanity, reconnect with the group. You might be surprised to see how desperate every parent is to talk to another.

Genetics defines our physical appearance and nothing more. Behavior traits are our own. As parents we need to realize that every trait can be improved upon with patience and love.

Hold on to the parenting rope. The tug of war will continue but if as parents unite to understand their needs and differences, chances are we will be able to draw on this tug of war.

Boring Boredom!

We are officially half way done with summer and some of us are desperately waiting for schools to reopen while some of us (like myself) wishes the vacations continue for ever. Why can’t we just have a year round school.. study for one unit, take a break and then go back. So much better, don’t you think. As adults, don’t we feel like taking a break every 2-3 months, then why deprive the kids of that luxury. Anyways, I know most of you are rolling your eyes and wondering what planet I come from. Well, it’s the same as yours, Earth, I just don’t like the constant drilling mode we are in.

Why is summer a bummer and a stress factor for so many parents? Why do parents worry about their kids getting bored? Seriously, since when has a bored mind become a bad thing. Mind is a machine and like every other machine it needs its downtime too.

Okay, before you say anything, I do realize that I work from my home office and my kids have the luxury, but so do yours. Honestly, they do. I tried giving this idea to a few moms this year and they looked at me like I was Dorothy making a wish. Here’s a possible solution – your kids have friends – some very nice, some okay. Meet up with their parents and form a group, 5-6 families and have the group of kids go to the respective homes turn by turn. You get your kids only once a week and yet they are out of your way without any major expense or structure. Again, I know this solution does not work for everyone, but it’s a worth a try, isn’t it? Infact, I wouldn’t mind doing it with my kids too. I tried selling it, but it did not fly with many. I wondered why? I am still wondering why? If you have insights, please do share them.

Overtime my kids complaint of how boring it is, I tell them it’s okay to get bored.It’s perfectly okay to hang upside down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. They are getting bored, not tortured. Their bellies are full, have clean clothes and not a worry in the world.. that’s a lot to be happy about. Over time, the frequency of “I am getting bored” has gone down – they find their thing now. When they can’t find anything better to do, they both end up in the backyard.. sometimes screaming at each other, sometimes playing with each other. At first, every time they screamed, I ran outside to calm them down because I didn’t want the neighbors thinking I have unruly kids. Now, I don’t. In my heart I know what the neighbors are thinking – this mom has no control or she does not care. Quite honestly, I am keeping an eye on my kids, but I have realized one thing, the over parenting I have done in the past years back fired on me. The kids today take life as an entitlement and I have a problem with that. Life is a gift and its a privilege to have clean running water, the kids need to understand that, but they don’t. It is important for these kids to fall, hurt a knee or two, be in pain so they realize the joy of not being in pain. It’s not easy, especially in today’s times when we judge each other with a magnifying glass. Why? As parents, aren’t we all in the same boat, so why do we judge? Why do we credit the success or failure of the child to the parent? Is it the parent who got the honor roll or is it the parent who went to summer school? Neither and yet we judge.

This summer, I realized another thing, as parents we take way too much credit for the success of our kids and we blame ourselves way too much for their failure too. If a parent watches their kids like a hawk, that’s okay – we all have our fears and our reasons are our own. The smart parent though will watch and speak only when needed.

Just as a clarification – it took me two years to get here. Two years ago, I was the helicopter parent and I sadly thought hovering was ok.

It is important for these kids to have nothing to do. It is important to get bored, because that’s when they will be forced to open those long lost tubs of goodies and make things happen. When they create their own play, summer will suddenly be magical. Human beings are creators and inventors. If you Google the history, the most brilliant ideas came from a lazy activity. What do you think Newton was doing under an apple tree? I am pretty sure he was lazing around.

I am not undermining the efforts or the kids who do strive to succeed and like to stay busy all day and want something to do. The point is if they can come up with ideas, give them the tools to make those ideas a reality, but don’t think of the ideas for them. In my house today, there are only three ideas, electronics, tennis and hoola hoops and somewhere in between tons of food. Quite honestly, thats okay with me.

I let my kids run wild in summer. Most parents will disagree with my strategy, and quite honestly, I don’t know if I am right or wrong. Time will tell. What I do know is I want my kids to enjoy being home and in turn enjoying being with me and that’s all that matters. I continue to try hard and not worry about what classes my middle schooler will get or who will be my daughter’s teacher.

I am hoping that this freedom to get bored and find a way to snap out of the boredom will also teach them to take what life gives them and make the best of it.

Have fun this summer with your kids. They are going to be in your nest for only 18 years before they fly away to build their own nest. Give them memories that will make them come back often.

If you are bored of reading this, too bad, because I had a blast writing this 🙂

Mom, It’s okay.

Thursday afternoon, the bell rang and in came a tiny silent guest. I looked at it with a frown and said to myself; NO! Not this weekend, its the long weekend. Come on it’s the Valentines weekend, so what if its a Hallmark holiday, it’s still an excuse to go out for dinner. I had so much planned, family dinner, a trip to the Exploratorium and do some gardening as a family. Gardening, yes gardening and if you haven’t heard; the truth is a family that weeds together, stays together. But, now its all going to change, for he is here.

Fuming at his ill timing, feeling hot as in I think I have a fever coming on hot, I thank My Little Ponies for graciously baby sitting my girl while I crash on the couch. Siri promises to wake me up in 90 minutes so I can welcome my older one back from school.

It’s 2.50 p.m, Siri true to her word, was punctual and so was the tween. He rings the bell, I tell him; “I need to sleep, please watch your sister.” He agrees, I thank him and crash again. But wait, I am a Mom, am I allowed to fall sick? Whose going to cover the two hour Tae Kwon Do class in the evening, and what about dinner. The thoughts don’t stop there, they move forward to Friday, I had promised a 5 year old a trip to the park with her friends, and then we had piano, Taeko again followed by a dance rehearsal.

I drag myself up and hold my head tightly as it desperately tries to spin off the neck. The clutter clatter of the pans in the kitchen draws his attention and he asks “Mom, are you feeling better? I thought you wanted to sleep.” I say, “yes I did, but then you have Taeko and its almost dinner time.” He gets up, comes to me and says “It’s okay, you can rest. We can handle it.” LOL is what I want to do, and I think he read my mind. He forces me to lie down and assures me that he will take care of it and besides he says, “daddy will be home in an hour.” I lie down, close my eyes and voices fade away. I sleep and sleep more for the next three days and play a gracious host to the microscopic secretive guest. Every time he visits, he looks different. He says he likes trying new styles but then who doesn’t for there is fashion galore to choose from for size 0 and below.

I have to admit, through the headaches, coughs and fever I could not help but ponder about what they were doing. All the noise surely meant the downstairs must be trashed. I irked at the thought of going downstairs and seeing the mess. For me to not know what the kids were doing, what were they eating, and how were they handling it in general was proving to be very difficult, so I call out to my husband and ask him, he laughingly says, “don’t worry they are having a blast. You get some rest.”

Having a blast, when I am sick. Don’t they miss their mom, and you can imagine the rest of the emotional emotions that I ran through. After being “treated” for almost four days now, the out-of-towner decides to leave and I take a deep breath.

Here’s what I learned this last week:

1) When sick, do not try to be a mighty mommy.

2) I need to trust my upbringing more. Every parent teaches their kids to be independent and yet when opportunity comes, we hesitate to trust them with it. But then no one said parenthood would be easy.

3) Kids are more resilient than adults. Kids are amazing, they adapt to situations so much better than adults. This last week, I saw Tom and Jerry take care of each other like never before. Tom fed her, bathed her and even read a story 🙂

4) Dad’s deserve a lot more credit than we give them. They have their own way of taking care of things. When dad can’t find a glue stick at homework time, he uses super glue. It’s not what a mom would do, but the job gets done, and that’s all that matters.

5) It’s okay to let everything just be and take care of itself. This for me is the hardest, but I am learning.

Moral of the story; .When mom’s fall sick, the world may not spin as miraculously, but it will continue to spin.

Mom’s aren’t allowed to fall sick, is so yesterday.

Today; Mom, it’s okay you can fall sick.

The “Dress Up” game.

It was one of those perfectly routine mornings.

Wake up, shower, make breakfast, get their lunches made, wake up the kids, get them ready and 8.05am sharp, start the walk to school. Interestingly the school rush hour sometimes makes it longer to take the car, so on days like today, when the sky is a bright clear blue, we choose to walk.

Those days are gone when I could drop him off to school, wait to say bye and sometimes even get a light hug or a high five. In fact the hugs stopped 4 years ago, and now I am lucky if I can get a casual wave, which in the “almost teenager” world means, “Bye Mom, I love you too!” or so I have been told.

These days, we walk and stop about 100 yards before we reach the crossing guard, and say our non hugging byes. He walks with a casual cool look, while I wait, and pretend to play with his little sis as he crosses the road and is almost at the end of the side walk. Ok, you can say it, a little over protective and that’s okay, after all these days are not going to come back. He has most of his life to be a grown up, but just a few more years to be a kid.

As I walk back, an everyday Mom greets me with a “Hi, how are you?” Usually, that’s the extent of our conversation. I don’t know her name, and I doubt it if she knows mine. But today was different, she paused and exchanged a sentence or two with my little one. And then asked me, “where do you work?” I said, “I work at home, I work for my kids.” She smiled and said, “that’s really nice, that’s the best job.”

She made me very happy, I was enjoying my blissful state, and she said “but you’re always looking fresh and dressed up.”

Dress up for no one, but yourself!

A showered look and a pair of clean clothes, isn’t that the basic hygiene we need to maintain and try to teach our kids too.

Well, at that point the look on my face was “Huh! What did she just say?” Thankfully what came out from my mouth was a shade smarter. I told her with a fake smile,

“I dress up to go to work, just like you do.”

That’s all it took. We smiled and said our byes and went our ways. I am sure she thought of me as a smug, and that’s okay. I honestly don’t care.

Few hours pass by and its time for pick up, I see a mom, she was waiting in Valet pick up, stepped out to talk to another parent and she was in her PJ’s. I am not trying to be judgmental or saying that I have a great wardrobe or an amazing sense of fashion. On the contrary, I don’t wear designer stuff, most of the stuff I buy is from wherever they have a good sale going, but I refuse to go to school with a “straight out of bed look.”

The sad truth is I have never seen a dad dropping of their kids in a “straight out of bed look.” Why do we mom’s create this image for ourselves?

Being a SAHM mom is absolutely every reason to look and feel pretty. It doesn’t matter what dress size you wear or what is the color of your complexion. You are beautiful so dress up for yourself.

Dress up, like you would, if you were going to work in the real world; because you are.

Today was just one of those Imperfectly Perfect days!