parenting – Shilpa's

Academic Robots

7.55 am and I am upfront at the stop light on Blacow and Grimmer Boulevard. In front of me I see an ocean of human faces passing through the light to go to their school. A school that I honestly believe does believe in the potential of its students, encourages them to dream, play hard ( the school has 50+ sports teams), have fun and yet all I see is an army of academic robots. Their faces are expressionless and every one of them is looking for something on the road. Why are they all looking down? Why aren’t they talking to each other? These are teens, they are supposed to be laughing, chirping, goofing off on the road and just being teens. Instead they all look sad, just plain sad.

Today is the first day of the Indian festival Navratri and this was definitely not the post in mind, and yet the image of these lifeless robots crossing the street is so vivid, that I cannot write about any thing else. How and when did the chirpy kinder kids grow into these stressed out young adults? Kinder starts at 5 and high school starts at 13/14; we the brilliant adults have managed to suck the life out of our most precious ones in just 6-7 years. Amazing!! Why did this happen? Is it their fault? Definitely not. They have only been on this planet for a few years. I blame my generation, no not the grandparents, but us, the current parents. We have completely messed it up for these kids. Our dreams, our aspirations, our fears, our joys; we impose it on them.

In the name of success, we push them to succeed in tougher courses, without realizing that our definition of success may not be theirs. Why does one have to do something hard to be considered successful? Why is simple not enough anymore?

In our desire to make the kids smart, we have made them so smart that they are now afraid to cry, try or avail for help. They are afraid, very afraid of failure.

Parent time has been replaced with tutors. Do we as parents even realize that no tutor will be as vested in our children as ourselves. Why are we working so hard? Maybe just so we can pay the tutors and then gain the bragging right for their success.

We blame the increased cost of everything. Yes, I agree life is expensive now, infact very expensive, but that’s not the child’s fault, again it is our generation that made the economy of today. The kids did not ask for million dollar homes and expensive cars, we did.

The vision stays with me and this Navratri I pray for the sanity and the safety of our kids. May the goddesses give the kids so much strength that they are able to make this world a better place. A world where we stop running in the Maze looking for our Giver.

Where did the all the Moms go?

It takes a village to raise a child and being a parent is “on the job” training. The babies don’t come with instructional manuals and the picture perfect parenting books only tell half the story. A few days into the job of parenting and every parent understands the phrase “sleeping like a baby” is a myth and doctors have a checklist, beyond that it’s all about following your maternal instincts. It’s no surprise that all new moms rely on “mommy” groups to socialize and find sanity. The socializing calms the nerves and reassures that you are not alone. As a new mom, the only sanity check I had was my neighbor who reassured me that the colicky phase will end soon, no worries. Lo and behold it did end, however had it not been for her constantly reminding me and sharing narratives of her own parenting journey, I would have gone crazy.

As the kids grow older, life moves on, families move, kids start kinder and a phase of new friendships and mom support starts. The social element once again brings in sanity.

As the kids get older, bit by bit, these adult friendships and social support groups vanish. Why?

Why do we stop sharing the sob stories? Why do we only share the successes? These teens are the same kids who grew up together. They threw tantrums, argued, didn’t sleep on time, and we shared it all. We took cues from each other and found our solutions. Today when the kids are teenagers, we hide their sorrows, we exaggerate the happiness. What message are we sending to our kids?

Moms, again, these are the same kids. They are throwing tantrums. If we could share their tantrums at age 5, why can’t we share them at age 13,14.. and more? What happens to us? Why do we start judging the kids? So what if a calm boy starts jumping around, does that make him a bad kid? So what if a nerdy girl starts dating, does that make her a bad kid? The kids are going through hormonal changes, not us – right? Then why do we start behaving so differently?

Teenage is a roller coaster for both parents and kids and there is this preconceived idea that new moms need support and once the kids are older, the moms have figured it all out. No, that’s not true. As a parent of a teen and tween, I can assure you the teen years will be more isolated than the baby years.

When a baby cries, the world empathizes.
When a teen cries, the world stands, stares and turns away. Sad, but true.

It takes a village to raise a kid, it’s true. It is also true that the kids in this village watch the adults and learn from them. Let us show them the collaborative communication and not the silent communication. We need communication that allows a kid to be whoever they are. A tattoo, a failing grade, a heart break, a detention, a bully, a smirk and more… these are all fixable problems, if only we spoke to each other.

It is no secret that the greatest struggle between teens and parents is communication. Let us model positive communication so they can mimic it too. We can go on this journey together or alone. Either way, we will raise successful kids, however the latter will be a very lonely and tiring journey and the former will be filled with fun, laughter, picnics and maybe girls night outs too.

Which journey do you want to go on?

Boys vs. Girls

I have both and they are poles apart. Besides their genetic DNA being the same,there is nothing common between the two. She loves fruit, He does not. He loves milk, She does not. He loves cheese, she does not. She loves yogurt, he does not. He loves sports, she loves reading and the list goes on.

Boys will be boys is ingrained in our adult heads. When the boys can’t sit or stay steady, we always tell them, try to focus, have patience, try it slowly, one step at a time and you will get it OR we simply laugh it off and say, it’s a typical boy style. Failing grades, lack of social skills, naughty behavior, it all gets justified under the phrase “boys will be boys.” If lack of focus is the typical boy style, then how does it not transfer to adult hood? What happens to these hyper boys when they become men. Why is it that the hyper boys who were lagging behind in schools suddenly start dominating the working world to a point that gender inequality becomes a hot political issue.

Makes me wonder is there such thing as “girls will be girls?” Yes, there is and sadly its scarier than the boy counterpart. I looked at my own self and how I “deal” with the differences. Unknowingly, like many parents, I too have been making a serious parenting error. After I read the New York Times article by Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson, I was angry at myself for making such a blatant error in parenting. Through our parenting difference, we let the boys know its okay, just focus and you will do better next time. However for our self controlled girls who can follow directions and listen attentively in class, we compliment them on their good behavior and in turn they start associating focus, discipline, perfection with “being good.” This playing it safe and follow the rules translates into highly capable women playing it safe at careers too. We think about consequences of events that have not even occurred and find a safe strategy so that if the worst happens we can “deal” with it. The problem is not boy or girl personality differences, the problem is how we approach those differences.

The grit that boys develop under the freedom of “boys will be boys” umbrella allows them the freedom to speak up for themselves and thus the phrase “it’s a male dominated environment.” The problem is not who is smarter. Research has proven that smart girls and smart boys are not different. The difference is in how they react to a problem. Boys just take it head on in their “boys will be boys” style, girls on the other hand try to find the safe path and thus often feel more frustrated because intellectually they know it’s not the best solution.

What happens to those boys and girls who are exceptions to the rule? Smart girls who dare to be different and would rather shoot a basketball than flaunt a skirt, sometimes have it the worst. Their intellect demands perfection and yet their boyishness creates the need to push the limits. The combination is a less than perfect result which can be very frustrating for the perfect smart girl. But just like the typical boy, the girls here develop grit and learn to fight. It is these girls and later career woman that dare to speak up in a conference room full of men. Smart Boys who tend to follow the rules and play it safe have a hard time too for they get categorized as nerdy and boring. They lack the social interaction and can succumb to the peer pressures of the need of academic excellence as their safe heaven.

Fast forward to teenage and this becomes a bigger problem. A typical “Boys will be boys” umbrella expands to include failing grades and detentions. This umbrella though has failing grades is not judged as harshly, because they are boys and now they are discovering their manhood. The typical “Girls vs. Girls” umbrella expands to include inferiority complexes and an a sense of pseudo narcism. This umbrella is judged harshly. Questions such as what happened to her, why is she developing this sense of self comparison, why is she following and more start creeping into a typical parent conversation.

Both the umbrellas are equally challenging and the solutions are not easy for either. At this point, the parents need to step in with nerves of steel and an unshakeable faith in the child and their upbringing. You cannot convince a boy that the secret to success is good grades and similarly you cannot convince a girl to not pay attention to her physical appearance. The “need” for females to be beautiful maybe superficial but It’s an unsaid expectation of the world. Let us just accept it and stop fighting it. Accepting this need will open doors of communication. Instead of fighting the skirts and crop tops, let them wear it. A few days in the school being dainty will bring in the realization “beauty can be tiresome too.” 13 year old boys consider “shaving” as the all act of manliness. You can try explaining the scientific reason of not starting early, but that “need to shave” to prove a point will only get stronger – so let them shave. They do it for a few times and wish they had listened better.
Personally for me, the parenting curve has been a very steep one. There was a time when I saw my style as a complete failure. To help bring myself back on the right track, I decided to look into the past. Yes, past that is often forgotten can sometimes have amazing insights.

I realized that the attitudes of the teens are nothing more than the tantrums of a toddler.

It’s important to recognize that all the teenage attitude is just a blown up form of toddler tantrums. When they were 3 years old and threw a tantrum in Target. We did not get angry, we patiently talked to them and helped them calm down. Fast forward 10 years, tantrums become attitudes and as parents we have no patience and expect them to behave like adults. They are not adults, they are 13 years old. They still need our help, they still need the rules and they are going to try and push hard to break them, just like the 3 year old who cries hardest hoping mommy and daddy will get tired of the crying and buy the new toy, but mommy and daddy were patient then. They need to be patient now too. The smart phone is like the pacifier, don’t snatch it away. Be patient and they will eventually learn to put it away.

As parents we need to start talking to each other more. We shy away thinking our kids will be judged. Why didn’t we feel so when our babies were toddlers? Why was it okay to share their tantrums then and not now? Remember the parent club that helped you get past the turbo two’s without losing sanity, reconnect with the group. You might be surprised to see how desperate every parent is to talk to another.

Genetics defines our physical appearance and nothing more. Behavior traits are our own. As parents we need to realize that every trait can be improved upon with patience and love.

Hold on to the parenting rope. The tug of war will continue but if as parents unite to understand their needs and differences, chances are we will be able to draw on this tug of war.

Boring Boredom!

We are officially half way done with summer and some of us are desperately waiting for schools to reopen while some of us (like myself) wishes the vacations continue for ever. Why can’t we just have a year round school.. study for one unit, take a break and then go back. So much better, don’t you think. As adults, don’t we feel like taking a break every 2-3 months, then why deprive the kids of that luxury. Anyways, I know most of you are rolling your eyes and wondering what planet I come from. Well, it’s the same as yours, Earth, I just don’t like the constant drilling mode we are in.

Why is summer a bummer and a stress factor for so many parents? Why do parents worry about their kids getting bored? Seriously, since when has a bored mind become a bad thing. Mind is a machine and like every other machine it needs its downtime too.

Okay, before you say anything, I do realize that I work from my home office and my kids have the luxury, but so do yours. Honestly, they do. I tried giving this idea to a few moms this year and they looked at me like I was Dorothy making a wish. Here’s a possible solution – your kids have friends – some very nice, some okay. Meet up with their parents and form a group, 5-6 families and have the group of kids go to the respective homes turn by turn. You get your kids only once a week and yet they are out of your way without any major expense or structure. Again, I know this solution does not work for everyone, but it’s a worth a try, isn’t it? Infact, I wouldn’t mind doing it with my kids too. I tried selling it, but it did not fly with many. I wondered why? I am still wondering why? If you have insights, please do share them.

Overtime my kids complaint of how boring it is, I tell them it’s okay to get bored.It’s perfectly okay to hang upside down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. They are getting bored, not tortured. Their bellies are full, have clean clothes and not a worry in the world.. that’s a lot to be happy about. Over time, the frequency of “I am getting bored” has gone down – they find their thing now. When they can’t find anything better to do, they both end up in the backyard.. sometimes screaming at each other, sometimes playing with each other. At first, every time they screamed, I ran outside to calm them down because I didn’t want the neighbors thinking I have unruly kids. Now, I don’t. In my heart I know what the neighbors are thinking – this mom has no control or she does not care. Quite honestly, I am keeping an eye on my kids, but I have realized one thing, the over parenting I have done in the past years back fired on me. The kids today take life as an entitlement and I have a problem with that. Life is a gift and its a privilege to have clean running water, the kids need to understand that, but they don’t. It is important for these kids to fall, hurt a knee or two, be in pain so they realize the joy of not being in pain. It’s not easy, especially in today’s times when we judge each other with a magnifying glass. Why? As parents, aren’t we all in the same boat, so why do we judge? Why do we credit the success or failure of the child to the parent? Is it the parent who got the honor roll or is it the parent who went to summer school? Neither and yet we judge.

This summer, I realized another thing, as parents we take way too much credit for the success of our kids and we blame ourselves way too much for their failure too. If a parent watches their kids like a hawk, that’s okay – we all have our fears and our reasons are our own. The smart parent though will watch and speak only when needed.

Just as a clarification – it took me two years to get here. Two years ago, I was the helicopter parent and I sadly thought hovering was ok.

It is important for these kids to have nothing to do. It is important to get bored, because that’s when they will be forced to open those long lost tubs of goodies and make things happen. When they create their own play, summer will suddenly be magical. Human beings are creators and inventors. If you Google the history, the most brilliant ideas came from a lazy activity. What do you think Newton was doing under an apple tree? I am pretty sure he was lazing around.

I am not undermining the efforts or the kids who do strive to succeed and like to stay busy all day and want something to do. The point is if they can come up with ideas, give them the tools to make those ideas a reality, but don’t think of the ideas for them. In my house today, there are only three ideas, electronics, tennis and hoola hoops and somewhere in between tons of food. Quite honestly, thats okay with me.

I let my kids run wild in summer. Most parents will disagree with my strategy, and quite honestly, I don’t know if I am right or wrong. Time will tell. What I do know is I want my kids to enjoy being home and in turn enjoying being with me and that’s all that matters. I continue to try hard and not worry about what classes my middle schooler will get or who will be my daughter’s teacher.

I am hoping that this freedom to get bored and find a way to snap out of the boredom will also teach them to take what life gives them and make the best of it.

Have fun this summer with your kids. They are going to be in your nest for only 18 years before they fly away to build their own nest. Give them memories that will make them come back often.

If you are bored of reading this, too bad, because I had a blast writing this 🙂