woman – Shilpa's

Who is The Empowered Woman?

The Empowered Woman… Who is She? Is there a definition? It’s a question that I think about often. Why? Because I think as women we work hard to mimic empowerment. We are only now learning to approve more than disapprove.

Without much further ado, let us find the perfect woman so we can be her.

Empowered woman; Is she my grandma who woke up at 5.00, went for her walk, bathed, prayed, cooked, and was off to her social work all before 10.00 am? Or maybe she is like my mom, who did all of the above and tutored her and neighboring kids too, or maybe like my mother in law, who though in her 70’s, can devour the WSJ and can hold a conversation on any topic in the world, or maybe she’s like me, who does all of the above and then manages to paint, write blogs, coach, and .. but oh wait… I. know, she has to be the tech woman who left the corporate world to fulfill her dream to be an artist, or the one who chose to follow her dream and become a movie director, maybe she is like my friend, who has a stellar job, a demanding career, and yet does all of what I do? Or maybe the entrepreneur who sells the amazing sarees through FB live and continues to build a sisterhood? Or is the one who is raising a village from scratch by reforming education? No wait, I know she is Z, the lady who comes to my mom’s home and helps her with the household chores, supports a hearing-impaired child, and smiles through life, irrespective of the lemons she keeps catching. What do you think, Is Z the one? Is she the empowered woman?

This blogpost is not about empowering you because you are your own being. In 2019, I was introduced to the beautiful religion of Buddhism by an empowered woman who refused to give in to my sulkiness.

We were four women of very different age groups discussing life and through the discourse, The Buddha is within us. This is a strong and redundant truth, it struck me as one of the most powerful conversations I have had. It also made me realize that the women found this faith through their own sorrows. There were struggles and there were tears, but they didn’t give up. They were seekers and they found a solution for themselves. To me they were putting their life stories in front of a stranger, their courage to be vulnerable was inspiring and their show of vulnerability healed me. They were healers.

From the Suffragette movement to the modern day, there are countless examples of women building each other up through the most dire times. Case in point, a Facebook group called Saree Speak. The women there are phenomenal. Through the shared love and passion for the Indian attire Saree, the women uplift each other, unlike any group I know. It’s a sisterhood of 155K+ women. Complete strangers that compliment each other, uplift each other in hundreds of comments.

There are also many examples of when we the women do everything in our capacity to bring another woman down. When we refuse to see the pain and honesty of another because it conflicts with our own pride and ego. It is also true, that as a woman we come in different strokes for different folks.

It is a choice we make.

I am blessed with not one but multiple villages in my Imperfectly Perfect World. Multiple women and not two alike and yet every one of them empowered in their own might.

To find the empowered woman, all you have to do is, Look at the mirror and you will find her standing there in front of you. YOU are empowered within yourself. You are the seeker, the healer, the applier, the campaigner, the contender, the spoiler, the hearer, the hauler, sometimes even the yeller (and it’s okay,) and you are the giver. So this woman’s day, give yourself permission to just be.

Stand in front of the mirror and smile, because YOU are enough.

Happy Woman’s Day!

This post was inspired by the beautiful truth from Vidya Balan. and the many women I have learned from. Do visit their links above.

The Girl, The Woman, The Goddess.

Once upon a time in the heavens above lived The Trinity – Brahma, the Creator; Vishnu, The Perpetuator; and Shiva, The Destroyer. Shiva though the one who gets angry quickly is also the innocent one, the generous one who bestows his blessings in abundance to all who worship him. The demons knew of his strength and they worship him and worship him more, they get blessed with immortality, when no man could destroy them. Lo and behold Mother Earth bore the pain of this blessing, and then when the pain was unbearable, the Trinity created her – The Goddess. They called upon her to save them for she was valor, strength and knowledge living in harmony with her surroundings. The harmony gave her the freedom to be who she chose to be. The Goddess restored peace on Earth and all was well in the heavens.

Mythological India, is a goddess worshipping culture considers their women, the giver of life. The men had their own roles, they were the providers. In essence, humans had found their balance and there was a man in every woman and a woman in every man. There was no room for competition. Then we discovered the fire, the wheel, the industry and here we are in 2020, still struggling with the fundamentals.

The Indian festival of Navratri celebrates the Goddesses Durga, Lakshmi and Saraswathi. It is nine days of fasting, dancing and celebration. Consider it the mythological India’s Woman’s day celebration. Personally for me, my favorite is the 8th day. The eighth day is called Ashtami. It is the day when we celebrate the girl child.

Little girls, pure and innocent mortal forms of The Goddesses are welcomed into loving homes. They are pampered with gifts galore and in turn the little angels shower their giggly blessings and love on the family. Soon these angels grow up and cross the threshold into woman hood. Tradition says they are no longer innocent.

Today, let’s talk about it.The Period.

Is it the girls fault that she grew up? Is it her fault that she was blessed with the gift of bearing the next generation? Is it her fault that she has no control of the when and where of The Period? If your answer to all these questions was no, then I ask you again, why do you stop worshipping her?

The Period, makes us a woman and yet we choose to shun the very essence of us. The Period is nothing more than pain and discomfort that the female body goes through majority of her life. Every month she bleeds so when the moment is right she can bring a new life into this world. That’s pretty amazing! It’s a supernatural wondrous quality.

The Period does not kill the sacred Tulsi plant. The Period does not curse a temple and The Period definitely does not ruin Navratri. We are worshiping the Goddesses, they are women too. Their mortal forms probably had gone through the same pain. They get it. The Goddesses are not going to punish if we choose to worship them with The Period. The Goddesses will not curse, should we choose to celebrate the young woman in your life. We call them “Mata”, which means Mother. Do we really believe that a mom will punish her daughters for stopping by to say hello?

This Navratri, I reinvented my celebrations by choosing to celebrate the daughters in my life. This Navratri I reinvented my celebrations and promised my self to continue Ashtami well into the adolescent years, and beyond of all the daughters I hold close to my heart. I choose to celebrate their strength, their smile, their giggles and their hugs.

It is time we the women reinvent faith and beliefs.

It’s time we understand that The Period is a part of every woman and we all exist because of The Period.

He, She or Human?

Thirty 3rd graders on a field trip to Coyote Hills Regional Park, I was expecting hiking, tiredness with lots of giggles and laughter. Instead I came back in awe of the Ohlone Indians who understood, respected and explained the essence of womanhood so beautifully. A simple lesson learnt during the field trip gave birth to this blogpost. I look forward to your comments.

Let us go back into an era when urbanization was not a word, an era when we wandered and hunted for food, an era when we made our own houses, weaved our own baskets and lived harmoniously with The Earth. In this primitive era, the natives led a simple life governed by the simplistically complicated notion of the women being the Life Givers and men being the Life Takers. Yes, the men went hunting, not because the women were incapable but because their naive native minds could not understand how a woman that gives birth can take a life. So the task of taking lives, or hunting became a man’s job. It was their belief that nature has made us as we are to keep the balance. Fast forward to the modern 2016, we have lost the meaning of feminism. Feminism in the modern world questions the very essence of womanhood.

What is womanhood?
What makes us a woman? Is it our physical bodies that the media is so fixated upon? No of course not. We are more than the big breasts and curvy figures that characterize the beauty of womanhood by the world. We nurture and that is our identity. A woman brings order to chaos, a woman grounds the irrational and the woman anchors the astray. Modern feminism, says men and women are equal. Bar a few anatomical differences, women are identical to men and need identical treatment. In our fight for equality, we agree to become men. We give birth and yet we work hard to learn how to take life, in doing so , we tire ourselves and lose the very essence of our being.

Do we need to label ourselves?
If we believe in the simple fact that every human being, irrespective of gender, race, caste, color, creed, sexual orientation, preferences are all equal, then do we really need to label ourselves? Shouldn’t we all make a conscious effort and become Humanist? If we can do that, then the need to be a feminist goes away, right?

Feminism eludes the common woman.
2016 will go down in history as the year of learning and surprises. November 8th, 2016 the stage was set, the proverbial glass ceiling was about to be broken. We were so close and yet so far. What happened? How did 44% of the women vote for a demagogue who judged, ridiculed and mocked woman of every shape and color? How did this happen in an era where women are leaning in on each other for support and getting stronger? It happened because only the elite are leaning in. The average Jill has no one to lean on. She is the cleaner, the cook, the average day care teacher, the bus driver who gets paid hourly and does not see the might powerful woman helping her. How does one build a feminist movement that appeals to the underpaid and unappreciated?

Accepting the differences will help bridge the gap.
Modern feminism talks about reversing gender roles and ignoring the simple fact that men and women are made differently. We cry for different reasons, we laugh at different reasons, we eat differently, we analyze differently and we love differently. They why are we the women forcing every woman on this planet to believe that yes, there is no difference and if there are differences, it is only because we were raised to think so. Really? Nothing can be more illogical. When a dad refuses to change a diaper, we scorn. When a woman refuses to learn to cook so she can feed herself, we say it’s okay. She is allowed not to cook. Isn’t being able to feed oneself a more primal need than wanting to change a diaper? The sooner we accept that men and women are different, we have different styles that compliment each other, the need to scream “war” goes away.

A woman is her own worst enemy.
Most successful women will tell you stories about that one woman at work who created roadblocks for her. It was her male boss who helped her step over the roadblocks and onto the road to success. Yes, we are more judgmental of our own kind. If every successful woman in the corporate workforce willingly agrees to hold the hand of the “average Jill” and bring her at par, inequality would disappear. We need to stop screaming and actually start to lean in on each other. And I am not talking about leaning in on your own kind, but lean in on those who are not your peers. Lean in to those who don’t have a ladder.

I find myself to be a part of the group that is annoyed at the noise of feminism. Feminism is about promoting the dreams, aspirations and well being of a woman. Modern feminism today is an ideology of the elite, and I am struggling to identify with it. Do I want equality? YES! I DO.. I want equality for my daughter and the million of daughters in this world. I want equality because every human deserves the same opportunity. Do I think it is possible? Yes, it is but it’s an elephantine task. It’s going to need rewriting the history textbooks so they include the Suffragette movement, It is going to need rewriting the science textbooks, so they include Mary Anderson alongside Tesla.

Rewriting history is never a good idea, a better way albeit expensive, would be to abolish the old textbooks and give the kids new books. New books that echo the modern world and its philosophies.

New books that teach kids how to respect the “Human” being and not the woman or man.

What does it mean to be a Woman?

What does it mean to be a a Woman? Have you ever thought about this simple yet confusing question. I didn’t until today. Today is International Woman’s Day. A day when we celebrate the social, economic, professional successes of women. The day also emphasizes on gender parity both socially and professionally. Being a woman myself and the mother of daughter, it is an empowering day, but the question remains, What does it mean to be a woman?

Am I a woman, because I have the gift to bear a child or am I a woman because nature made me so? Who is a woman? In my quest, I asked this question to 3 different What’s App women group that I am a part of and my hope was to find that one common element that connects us all women, irrespective of our social, marital or professional statuses.

The responses left me with more questions.

Majority of the women who chose to respond, connected being a woman to being a mother and having a family. Audaciously, I asked what about he women who choose not to give birth or those who cannot, what about those women who choose to stay single ; Are they not women? I continued to ask, weren’t we women before we got married or had kids? Biologically, a girl embarks on the journey of womanhood the day she has her first period. Life of innocence as the girl knew, changes after her first menstrual cycle. So, why do we peg womanhood to kids and family? The question remains.

I look around me and I see women in power at the pinnacle of their careers, I see mom’s pushing the stroller and happily smiling without a worry of their career and I see women juggling and shunting between work and school pick ups and driving away to soccer practice. What is the common factor is all these women?

Woman you are a mystery. Are you the one who uses her magnetism to allure or are you the one who feels complete when men flatter? Are you the one who takes pride in giving birth to a civilization or are you the one who stands tall because you nurture a generation? In my opinion, this is where we are confused. This is where feminism goes extreme. We the women call ourselves special and different because we give birth, we nurture, we care, we work and we can do anything that a man can do. True. We the women can. But by defining ourselves as such, we start this never ending game of opposites.

Man and woman were never intended to be supplemental to each other. They were designed by nature to be complimentary. So why are we always gloating at the qualities. Men work hard too, there are many dad’s out there who are just as good as any mom. Sure men can’t give birth, but that’s just anatomy. Isn’t being a woman contradictory enough, then why do we enter this game of opposites in the name of feminism. Today’s feminism talks about choices. The woman say it’s MY CHOICE. Is it? Don’t misunderstand me, I agree 100% with women empowerment, and women empowerment is about letting the woman make her choices however in this global society called “The world” choices can only be made within boundaries. When we the women fight for our rights, we are fundamentally shouting and accepting that we are not equal. Why do we do that? This is a quandary, why don’t we as women respect ourselves, accept that we are powerful just because we are born as women?

I may be an oddity here, but I think in this race for gender parity we have lost our own definition. Being a woman is not about having a career. It is not about being perfect, patient, caring, nurturing, a child bearer, a lover, a mother or a wife. Being a woman is simply about being YOU.

If we want to break through the proverbial glass ceiling and create parity, we first must accept ourselves and unite. We must first become less judgmental of ourselves and ask Woman, are you real? A friend in my XFBF (extended FB family) asked a question, why do we women compliment each other more, while men don’t? Men compliment too, just not the way we do. We, the women call each other hot and sexy. Men compliment each other about the new lawn mower or the outstanding man cave in the basement. Men don’t care about vanity, we do. To me this is nature’s way of balancing things. It’s not about opposites. So this woman’s day, let us stop comparing ourselves to men. Just as women evolve, men evolve too from a being a son, to a brother, a husband and a dad. The difference is they don’t forget themselves, but women in their quest to be the great mystical characters we are portrayed to be, forget themselves. We shouldn’t. It took me 44 years to understand this truth, so if you don’t agree with me, that’s okay. Accept that you are a powerful soul simply because you are woman.

I started this blogpost with the question, what does it mean to be a woman? I went back and looked at my adolescent years, my young adult years and I looked at myself today. The answer was then clear. I was a woman before I met my husband or had kids. I never looked at the men as a reason to find or make myself complete. Sure, the youthful years enjoy an admiration and compliment or two, but that did not define me. On the contrary what made me feel complete was the sisterhood of like minded women. It’s always been about building a commonality and then finding the nurture in it. Maybe that’s why being a full time mom was a no brainer.

Being a woman is to be feminine enough to raise a community and masculine enough to feed it.

Love Your Girl Friends.

Born as yourself, you became a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a wife and a mother. You are no longer yourself. You are now a woman. Woman, you are always evolving. You think you are lost, because the evolution keeps changing you. True, you are. There are days, when you miss yourself. Days when you don’t know what your favorite food or color is, because you as pure as the first winter snow have absorbed and taken it all in. They say, evolution is the way of life. Nothing can stop it and yet you want it to stop so you can discover yourself again. But why? Why do you want to discover yourself again? Why not discover this new evolved being? Evolution is not bad, for it gives you a chance to improve again and yet again. You are not stagnant. You are alive for you change every day. You bend, twist and conform to the mold and yet you are supple enough to spring out of the mold when you no longer deemed it fit.

Woman, you love unconditionally. You tore to come into this world. The world applauds you for you are the cradle of civilization. Without you there would be no world and yet, the same world ridicules your decision to feed and not climb the ladder of ambition. You continue to love, ask no questions and love more. You love the parents who held your hand and taught you to stand tall, you love your sister for she is your confidante, you love your brother for he protects you always and you love your friends for they share your tears and smiles alike. You then found a man and you felt complete. You are faithful. Temptation is not your weakness. You are honest and loyal. You fight for your world and make him the king of your little kingdom. You continue to walk hand in hand and you tore yet again to bring life into this world. The world kept evolving and so did you.

Today, as you watch the world go by: Woman, you yearn. You yearn for your friends. You miss the mud puddles, the lunch boxes, the pillion rides, the secret diaries, the hushed whispers, the coy smiles, the side glances and yourself.

Yes, you miss yourself.

Woman, you are smart. “You know the loneliest woman is NOT the woman without a man, but the woman without a close woman friend.” You know you need your sister friends to laugh and cry. You know you need them to sustain. Why did you let them go? You realize that you made time for ambition while your friends waited. They could wait no loner and left you to enjoy the view from atop the ladder. You look down and you see no one. You have everything, and yet you feel you are missing. You take down the old chest and pull out the secret diary. You look at the pictures and the smiles, you pick up your phone and pray someone picks up the phone. The phone rings and you hear a voice. You smile. You are in love again; in love with yourself.

Today, you love your children more. Their questions don’t confuse you. Their needs don’t tire you. Today, you are filled with gratitude for a man who lets you be. He notices the smile and smiles back. Today, you realize you have your friends back in your life. Friends who listen to you for hours, friends who make time for you, friends who scream in joy for your success, friends who giggle at your silly anecdotes on life, friends who tell you it’s going to be okay. Today, the giggles, the smiles, whispers and the diary is back.

Today, you realize your girl friends make you better. They empower you. You promise yourself to never let your friends disappear again.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my girls out there!

We the Women…

Woman’s day, Woman’s week – we celebrated by sharing pictures, sending uplifting messages on WA and FB to each other and just enjoyed the glory of being ourselves. One of the stream of messages on WA caught my attention, it talked about the other side of womanhood. It talked about how “we the women” are frenemies. Yes you read it right, we are our own friends and enemies.

For a few minutes let’s keep all the Lean In feminism on the side and think about this. When we see a mom – with a stellar career choosing to move on with her career and not coming to field trips in school, we the super cool moms who attend the field trips are the first ones to comment on how Ms. Busy Bee never has time. “We the women” never complaint about dads not coming or being a part of it, “we the women” just accept that no matter how busy a mom is, she has to find time. “We the women” grunt at the mom, who sends her kid to school with unbrushed hair, “we the women” snicker at the friend who writes post after post of how amazing her life is. “We the women” look at others and wonder about The Dress Up Game (http://www.shilpaverma.com/the-dress-up-game/) The bottom line is “we the women” have an inherent trait of jealousy in us. Guys don’t have that. You can argue they do, and maybe you are right. But the woman jealousy factor is 100 times more potent. Guys are competitive and may choose to take a short cut to succeed in their career, but they don’t have time or the patience to gossip about another guy who is doing better than that. We the women do. We love gossips. And just to be clear, the WE in “we the women” includes me too.

All the women gossip , MIL, jealous wife jokes exist for reason. They are fictitious but stem from reality.

India – a country close to my heart is slaved to domestic help. If the maid calls in sick, the whole family grunts and grinds. On woman’s day – how many of “we the women” choose to give that maid a day off as a mark of respect to her womanhood. “We the women” pampered ourselves in salons and gatherings, all in while we had another woman cleaning up our mess.

Why am I venting out? Simply because I wish for “we the women” to stop comparing ourselves to ourselves. Stop judging me based on what I do. Stop being unhappy with your life because you think mine is perfect. Guess what, mine is not. I have my battles too. I fight them everyday with my internal strength and a prayer and somewhere in between I try to smile too. You should do the same. Life did not promise us a bed of roses, but it does have this unique way of preparing us for the future. So next time, please don’t judge me based on my clothes, or how I look or what I do with my life. My life is mine and yours is yours. Why oh why do “we the women” judge. Let’s just be and let us be.

Let it be “Us the Women,” ‘cos both you and I know that this journey called womanhood would be impossible without girlfriends.