Juggling the Quotients.

This is a note from yesteryears, but lately have been thinking a lot about intuition, intelligence, happiness and does this all connect or is it random. 

The question is “What is more important EQ or IQ?” Before I comment on this.. lets go down to the basics.

What is intelligence? Traditionally we have definied intelligence (or IQ) as our capability to solve problems mentally. It includes capability to think, comprehend ideas and language. So imbedded is IQ in our system that across the world we have chosen to design the entire education system around this concept of having a good IQ.

Current education system, which is desperately calling for a major disruption, leads us to believe that if we can solve mathematical problems, remember our facts and read at lightning speed then we are intelligent. Majority of the population is born with a basic level of intelligent needed to succeed in life. There was and has been only one Einstein and Newton. All of us cannot be geniuses. So where does that lead the rest of us .. on the path to success or failure?

Success I say! IQ alone can take you nowhere. A person with high IQ can end up with a killer resume and a very comfy job and that’s about it. How many of you know someone who is a brilliant jerk? Yes, being intelligent is not enough.

Mother nature is great.. she has blessed us all with the basic level of IQ needed to succeed in life. She is also very good in creating a balance. A high IQ does not necessarily mean a high EQ.

When I was in college, my dad gave me “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman. And in a subconcsious way that book has stayed with me. I am not saying that I have a very high EQ.. but that book did teach me to listen and empathize to some extent. EQ or emotional quotient makes us aware of our feelings and that of others. It teaches us to empathize and encourages us to respond to happyness and sadness in a rational way without hurting others. In today’s world, that’s a very difficult task. Another interesting fact that I learned from the book was that IQ is a subset of EQ and not the other way around. 

Think about it.. when we are sad, grumpy or angry.. does any task get completed. No, not even the simplest tasks get done. It is only when we get a grasp on our emotions does our “thinking” come back.

So having a high IQ with minimal EQ does nothing. 
There is a third component, well at least in my mind; it’s SQ, the spiritual quotient. Some argue it’s the easiest to acquire as it can be practiced at home or just about anywhere. I once again disagree. It all depends on how u define spirituality. Spirituality to me is not about going to a temple or church everyday. Its about believing in the good of life. Its about positive thinking. Its about looking beyond the profit loss equations and thinking more holistically. In a sense both EQ and IQ are a subset of SQ. Spiritual quotient is what allows us to move on when the going gets bad. It is the presence of this Q that allows us to pick up the scattered pieces and put the puzzle of life together. ( For those of you who like different but good movies Jim Carrey’s movie “Yes Man” delivers the concept of positive thinking in a very interesting subtle way) 

The good news is SQ and EQ can be acquired very easily. You are not a slave of your personality or atttitude and with the right approach they both can be changed for the better. I am saying this from personal experience. What path you choose to improve it will be your decision. It will be different for all of us. For me it was the realization that I have to stay healthy and strong for my kids for a very long time to come. Being 40+ is no excuse for being tired, impatient, grumpy not running and jumping with them. How did it happen for me? Interestingly it is getting out and moving that makes it happen for me.  I don’t battle the weight any more,  (thats a whole different topic :-)) but it did make me feel happier and more sound emotionally. Its intersting how trying to improve my physical health actually improved my emotional being. 

What about IQ? IQ unfortunately cannot be acquired that easily. It can only be acquired if one makes his passion his profession. If that is not the case, improving upon the IQ factor is a lot harder than SQ and EQ.

The question was which Q will be important in the new decade? The answer is obviously all three, but i SQ, EQ will have the upper hand for what succeeds is the individual and not the intelligence. 

Ciao everyone and as always thankyou for taking the time to read this. Keep your comments flowing and the converstation going. Its what keeps the grey cells active 🙂

Unbreakable or Breakable?

It feels so good to be back. I have missed this space. Last two weeks were a smack in the face by Mother Nature asking me to mellow down. Ironically, Mother’s day weekend was when it all started, the migraines, the nausea, the body ache, the fever and the complete melt down that sent me on a roller coaster ride wondering what was wrong me me and why? “Why was it happening to me?” is a question  I asked my self repeatedly. I ate healthy, I exercised daily, I was doing and feeling great, when suddenly the head starts splitting and all I wanted to do was crash on the bed and be left alone. Thankfully, my family stepped up and did leave me alone for a good one week. That’s how long it took me to come out of the forced shut down. Some where in between, did manage to go to the doctor and get the battery of blood tests and CT scan done, only to be relieved and told, I am fit as a fiddle. Doctors and family alike told me to forget it as a fluke incident and continue the rest and gradually ease myself back to normal schedule.  
Forget it, is what I am now trying to do, but the episode was powerful enough to instill a partial fear of  unknown.  
It also made me realize how unbreakable and yet fragile the human body is.  Why? I ask again. We are the supreme animal form, centuries of evolution made us what we are today and yet we have so many unanswered questions.  I sort of felt sorry for the poor doctor when I went to visit. The guy genuinely wanted to help, but had no answers except telling me the couple of things that could be going on. With the process of elimination, they erased of all the big issues and were left with either a bad case of migraines or tension headaches. I accepted both as they were the least scariest options. I came back home, thanking god for giving me a warning and letting me go. 
Made in Sun Pharmaceuticals Ind. Ltd.
Their office is less than 20 mins
away from where I live
Baroda came to me.
In my valentines post Love, its logically illogical, I wrote “Love is beautiful feeling that starts with the conception of a living being.” And today as I connect the dots, I realize a life that begins with such a delicately strong emotion has to be the same, isn’t it?  
In time of distress to move on, I need signs. Signs that tell me it will all be okay. Last week, when I was at the doctors, I remember telling myself, How I wish I was in Baroda ( my hometown in India.) Few days later when I got my senses back, I looked at the meds I was taking and see what I found 🙂 
I couldn’t go to Baroda, but Baroda came to me. I knew then, I was going to be okay. 
Humans, especially the breed we call MOMS, have a tendency to think of themselves as super humans.  In the process, we forget that we are humans first. The human body is by far the most intelligent machine. It takes abuse and yet is resilient like no other.   How many of us actually think that the food we eat needs to feed the mighty mitochondria – the power house of every cell. I know I don’t.   
The dichotomy between the mind and body is an interesting one. Logically one would think they dance the tango in perfect harmony, though that is very rarely the case. The mind is like an agile ballet dancer, jumping and twirling weightlessly at the slightest joy, while the body often lags behind cautiously watching every jump and twirl making sure it doesn’t twist a muscle in its effort to try and follow the moves. 
It is this dichotomy that is surprising me today. My mind is bored as I respectfully follow my families wishes to take it slow and ease myself into it. My body though is a different thing, it is quite content living this slow paced life and not lifting a finger. 
I guess that’s where meditation comes in, it somehow bridges this gap between the soulful mind and the mechanical body and makes the two dance in harmony.  The human body agree or not is nothing but a machine. It is the mind that puts the soul in it. And this machine like any other one is breakable and needs its regular maintenance. 
Many of you have seen the slide show Life is a cup of coffee on the social media. Its been circulating for a while. And while we all know its true we continue to eye the cup and forget about the coffee.  
We think good food, exercise and good hydration is the key to good health. And it is but there is a fourth component, shutting the eye.  In our zest to get the prettiest cup, we forget we have only 24 hours in a day. And the best part is, no matter who you are of where you are, that is a constant for all us, a day has only 24 hours and there is only so much one can achieve. We often take on more than we can handle, and sacrifice our sleep to make it happen. We punish ourselves if we don’t achieve our targets, feel guilty about it, try even harder and before we know it we are trapped in this cycle that does not want to end. 
I learned my  lesson last week; enjoy the coffee, even if it is served in a paper cup. Its the coffee I want, not the cup. 
I now schedule my 8 hours of sleep before I pen anything else down in my calendar. I now follow the age old adage “early to bed, early to rise” and don’t make compromises for anyone, for I now understand the mechanical part of me. 
I am wiser and smarter, and I now know that in addition to the spiritual and soulful me, there is a mechanical me too and yes that’s breakable.  
And now I want a cuppa coffee and see Unbreakable, by M. Night Shyamalan starring Bruce Willis. Anyone joining me ? 

Happy Mother’s Day!

Today’s post just like the title is short, simple and sweet. It’s a simple tribute to the moms of the world and of course mine too
Becoming a mom is an interesting experience.  When the tiny bundle of joy is handed to the mom, it is the most amazing and overwhelming feeling. To think that an entire human being was living and thriving within her in some ways is also a very powerful feeling. It is the power to nurture. This is one aspect of life, that men will never know.  
Who is a mother? I’ll let you decide.
To me, I have always seen my mother stand tall as a pillar. She was the one who watched me as a hawk and yet never told me that she was watching. Growing up I argued with her, I screamed and we fought and I never understood why she was so possessive and adamant about not letting me wear too much make up, i.e until 4 years ago when I had my own daughter. And then those answers suddenly became obvious. 
It is true we don’t understand what are parents went through until we have our own. 
Mom, today too is one who wears a velvet glove over an iron hand. I am thankful for the fact that at a very young age she told me, “The one thing every woman should know is how to cook.” And yes, I was only in 5th grade when I started cooking. I am thankful for the fact that she still thinks its okay to scold me when I behave illogically or when I am being unfair to her grandkids. I am thankful for the fact that she is keeping up with times and is able to talk and relate to her grandkids and most importantly I am thankful she has a Facebook account .. LOL! I love the fact that she enjoys Facebooking, not because I am a FB junkie, but more so because to me that is a symbol of an alert and young mother. She puts me to shame when she solves those sudoku puzzles faster than me. And yes, she remembers the nuances of English grammar and can calculate percentages better and faster than me, so I am really thankful when she takes care of checking homework during her short stays in the US. 
To make a long story short, I am thankful for you being you! 
But wait, there is another mom in my wife. What we all call the Mother-in-law. My MIL and mom are bang opposites, with one thing common, they both are strong willed woman.  My relationship with my MIL started like all most daughter in laws, there was respect and slowly over years with some arguments, and discussions, the respects gradually turned into a mutual understanding and today after 15 years, yes I can talk to her like I talk to my mom. 
MIL has lived for her kids. Her life today too revolves around her kids. She selflessly raised her two kids and today stands tall with pride as she sees them thrive in their respective homes. She too, puts me to shame 🙂 for she can devour a WSJ better than an investment banker. Technically she does not have a formal education and yet she can converse on any topic and very often will not only discuss, she also remembers the statistics and the numbers accompanying the topic. Its honestly very impressive and a great feeling to see her read the WSJ.  She appreciates the paintings I make and enjoys the food I cook. What more can I ask for? Its about the little joys in life. 
With two strong women in my life who have lived their lives for their families but on their own terms, there is little room for me to falter.
Today on mother’s day, I thank god for sending these two wonderful women in my life. 
They are truly the Women of Substance! 

Sweet Surprise!

I usually don’t post on Friday’s, but today was just special. It was a great morning, a girl friend pulled me in to go shopping with her and find that perfectly handsome dinosaur t-shirt for a little T-Rex.  We did find that and of course many more goodies. 
But the highlight of today that made my day and many days ahead was meeting my kids’ 3rd grade teacher. She is retired now. Her year with my son was the last in the school. We had stopped at Panera Bread for a quick bite and there she was having lunch with a friend. I of course had to stop and say hello. And she was thrilled and instantly had so many questions about my kid. And then she said something that I will hold special forever in my heart. 
She said, “My husband and I were talking, and we are coming for his 6th grade graduation.” I am a big girl, so I don’t cry, but that did bring tears that were held back and of course I was instantly standing taller.

 How do you thank a teacher who loves your kid so much, that two years after retirement still talks about him?  How do you thank a teacher who has your kids picture on her refrigerator? I honestly don’t know how. Its priceless when your child has been influenced by so many wonderful people.

My post yesterday got a mixed bag of reactions, and I think most people missed the point.  Its a note to self, to not write a very long post, keep it short and sweet, so the message of “nurturing the child and working with their personality and not peer pressures” is passed along. 
Today was honestly a packed day filled with errands. The surprise meet today has brought back energy in me. 
When a past teacher remembers your child so fondly and lovingly, the feeling is just priceless. 

Exams, the GATE to success?

Its almost STAR testing week in our schools here.  6 years ago, when my older one started his kinder, I started my journey of volunteering and understanding the US education system.  Before I go further, I do have to warn you that my stance on most cases makes me the black sheep in the Indian community. I am one of those parents who don’t ask for homework. I am one of those parents who does not believe in tuitions simply because its elementary school not MIT. And then there are parents who say that to go to MIT, one needs tuitions and I respectfully agree to disagree with them.  
Is my child a straight A student, no he’s not. Does that bother me? The first time he got a C, yes I was bothered and then I reminded myself that I flunked a subject or more in the first year of engineering college.  And that was a shock not only to me but my friends too, because I was a straight A student from Kinder to 12th. Nothing less than an A, ever.  So coming home that day, I was scared and had no idea on how to break the news to my parents.  It was one of those rare afternoons that my dad decided to come home for lunch. I quietly decide to help my mom in the kitchen and broke the news, she continued to roll the chapati and asked me to serve the food on the table. Later, she helped me tell dad.  I appreciate the fact that my parents did not loose it, they kept their calm and said, what’s done is done? You decide how you want to fix this and make sure you fix it. I graduated with a gold medal in Environmental Engineering.  Not trying to blow my own trumpet here but get the point across that life prepares us for it all. This experience helped me not get upset about low grades. Even to date when he is  going through a lack of confidence phase I remind him of his mom every time. More importantly, I remind him that just because I got A’s does not mean I am very intelligent or an out of the box thinker.

I did ask him n 4th grade, Would you like to be a straight A student? His answer and for the most part I quote “Mom, I am in the middle of the class. I am not the smartest and not the dumbest. Some times I get okay grades, but mostly they are good. So I think I will do fine in life. I don’t have to get an A everytime.” Once again, he had stumped me, I didn’t know what to say. 

Honestly, even though I got all A’s in school, I don’t think I was super smart, but I was a good crammer :). Getting A’s in school is the easiest thing to do. If every child can just cram what is written in the textbooks and spit it out, they will get A’s.  What’s hard is to not cram and then convey the message so accurately that it seems like you crammed it. Textbook answers are expected for the  most part. Every once in a while the student comes across a teacher who is there because she loves her students and is willing to re-read an answer to understand that unique perspective which is different from what the text book says. 
And then we have that whole question of how do you evaluate that unique perspective?. 
In India, we all learn the same thing and if a student cannot keep up with the curriculum they fail and if they are way ahead of their class, they get bored. There are’nt too many options. But in the US this difference in learning is treated interestingly. There is something called GATE student in our school district. It is the Gifted and Talented Student. How do they decide this, by a 3 hour exam in 3rd grade.  3rd grade is lower elementary. There are no grades and exams are not stress induced. The philosophy in 3rd grade is do your best. It’s okay, you’ll do great. The student in 3rd has no clue what GATE is and what implications it has on his long term schooling career and yet they are asked to sit through the exam. There is the option to opt your child out, but then which parent would prevent their child from being identified as gifted and talented. One such unique parent is me. I opted him out. I know he is gifted and I also know that he is 8 years old who only does something when he understands the logic and importance of the task. That’s just him. To ask him to sit through that exam would be setting him up for failure. Today, if he has to sit through that exam, I am more confident of him succeeding, because he now knows why he is giving that exam. He knows that if he clears it, he gets advanced classes in middle school.  But he lost that option when he forced himself to go in 4th grade. He wanted to be with the GATE students, because they are “smarter” than the rest of the group. And we knew he wasn’t ready because he was doing it for the wrong reasons, but as parents we gave him the choice to make a decision. 
I am by no means trying to undermine the importance of this program. I genuinely feel that it is a great program for those kids who are truly “out of the box” thinkers and not crammers. Because I think some kids are and they do get bored in a routine class. Even though the intent of the system is right I think the execution of it, has made it a joke.  Why I don’t say anything in the school, because I have been told since my son is Non_Gate I take this stance. What can I say, I love the Indian approach to life 🙂 

Today we live in a society that measures everything quantitatively. There is this intense need to quantify everything. There are efforts being make to quantify even happiness. Extend the quantificaiton to school level and we have grades, the intelligence of child is measured based on one exam. The student may be unwell that day or maybe a life changing event at home has the kid disturbed, but he/she still has to give the exam and do well or else he fails.

There is something intrinsically flawed with this system. The education industry NEEDS a major disruption. 

Disruption because gone is the era when students went to the library and poured over text books. This generation has so many tools at their hands, that they need the freedom to not only express in their own unique way but also learn in their way, and that is the student pain point. The freedom to learn in a way that works for the kid is missing. 


When we have exams we have a whole group that excels, a group that is average and a group that struggles. Very little emphasis is given to the group that struggles. Its always about those who succeed. And that’s just wrong. Because from these strugglers will emerge a few who didn’t understand the logic of algebraic equations, but are in awe of the brilliance of a Mozart or Picasso. It is these who can look at something so ordinary as a sunflower and make it into a masterpiece.  I was very happy to recently learn that our school principal is bringing the Rembrandt program to our school.  I know it will be an outlet for many budding artists. 
The STAR testing week starts on May 9th and I am sure all parents including myself will be on high stress mode. What amazes me is that during exam time, its not the child that is stressed out, its we the parents. We, including myself have a zillion questions on the how, why and what of the exam.  I do it all the time, and its only after I have asked the question I realize the kid is probably tired and beat, the exam is over, lets just leave it that.  Why do we as parents do this? Don’t know about you, but I think I do it, because it is the one thing that I cannot help him with. I can check his homework, read his essays, give ideas for his projects and even do a mock edit of his writing efforts, but I cannot give his exams. It’s that feeling of helplessness, its that feeling of lack of control that translates to the zillion questions, which put my mind to ease, but probably further stress the mind of my child. 
This STAR testing week I make a promise to myself to tell my son exactly what my dad told me in the final year of engineering exams and as a matter of fact tells me even today “Just do your best and leave the rest.”   

Stand up to yourself.

Her name is S. As a 7th grader S must have been 12-13 years of age.  Its the most challenging age. Its when the hormonal roller coaster ride starts, sadly for women to not end for another 40+ years.  But coming back, her dorm changed when she started 7th grade. From the senior dorm, where S was placed initially due to lack of space in the age appropriate one, she was now given permission to go hang out with dorm mates from her own grade. And yes she was excited.  S became instant friends with another girl.  Lets call her A.   A was a quiet girl, just like S.  They were like two peas in a pod. Life was moving along fine, and they were a very happy dorm of 10 girls with a warden who was, lets just say nice in her own special way.  All was well, the girls had learnt how to wake themselves up, manage  their laundry, watch out for each other and even mastered the art of whispering under the blankets so the sounds of ten girls giggling away could  escape the alert ears of their warden. 
Slowly and steadily S noticed a change, A would not hang out with her anymore. Not only A, all the other 10 stayed away or answered in mono syllables. As a 13 year old, S didn’t really know why. She  tried very hard to talk and please them, but to no success. And if this wasn’t enough, she was made the dorm in charge for the latter part of 7th grade.  7th grade ended, they were all promoted to the next grade, came summer vacation, S took her flight to Nigeria, where her parents were and enjoyed every bit. Came back, only to find out that the situation had not changed one bit. They still wouldn’t talk. At this point she was confused and was almost ready to go talk to the head warden, when one night at the “meditation hall,” a sermons being read was about “internal strengths.” The sermon hit the right spot and S decided to wait. After about a year of being taunted and smirked at, she had mastered the art of ignoring. It was easy to now go on with life as if nothing was wrong. Thank fully, it was a girls only hostel, so bullying was limited to verbal words or at the most ignoring. 
©Imperfectly Perfect Creations
The status quo continued and somewhere towards the end of 8th grade, few of the girls decided to come talk to her.  And she never asked them why they did what they did?  Sounds silly, right. Anyone with a brain would want to know why? Not her, she didn’t care. After about a year and a half of smirks, it didn’t matter. 
You’re wondering where all this is going. Well, you see, somewhere along the bullying, S had developed an internal strength so strong that allowed her to move on and even till date the strength holds her in place. 
And in case you are wondering, this is a true story and S is yours truly. Yes this happened to me. 
Like everything in the 21st century. Bullying too has evolved.  Its no longer restricted to school and college campuses. It has found roots in offices, play fields, and even the cyber space. Can it be eliminated? I don’t think so. Just as for every hero, there are a few of us who would rather clap than strive to be the hero; similarly for every bully, there are few of us who would rather surrender than stand. And as long as we have surrenders and clappers, bullies and heroes will co-exist. 

We all know bullies exist for they are trying to fulfill a need or a gap in their being. It could be a desperate call for attention, a desire to be popular or a vent out mechanism for anger stemming from another cause. Irrespective of the cause, it’s negative. Positivity from bullying can happen only when the recipient can stand up not necessarily to the bully, but more importantly to themselves. 
Bullying is not only about people physically, verbally or emotionally hurting you. That’s just one side of the coin. The other side is YOU getting hurt. We have all gone through life and am sure can cite multiple examples of when we were called names, or boo’ed at or maybe even felt hurt by a very dear and special friend. I know I have. Every single time, my reaction has been to go into the silent zone. I don’t know if this is good or bad, but it does help me think through the situation and not reacting instantly sometimes is all that is needed. This strategy works for me. Find out what works for you. Find out what is it that gives you the strength to focus internally, when faced with an adverse bully situation. 
The silence helps me stand up and see the face in the mirror and smile. 
So next time you’re in a situation of bullying. Stand up to yourself first and then to the person in front of you. Trust me, standing up to YOURSELF will take a lot more effort. But after that it’ll be a cakewalk. 
Why did I choose the topic of “bullying.” This friends is my first on demand post. Yes, two weeks ago some one actually texted me and asked me to write about ‘bullying.” And she’s one of the sweetest people I know, so I have wondered why she wanted me to write on a topic that basically translates to aggressive behavior.  I never asked her and now its too late 🙂 

Her text said “write about bullying in one of your blogposts,” and here I am sitting on a wednesday night at 9.04pm, pondering on what to write about bullying. Surely, you’re not interested in the clinical perspective of it.  Drawing a blank, I Googled quotes for bullying. In case you haven’t figured out, I have a “thing” for quotes. I have always loved them and even today preciously hold on to my collection of “quotable quotes” from my high school and college days. 
The topic resonated well also because its a discussion I have often with both my 11 and 4 year olds. In different perspectives of course. The 4 year old often has a complaint about her friend in preschool who apparently won’t play nice if she doesn’t get the first turn.  Bullying nor not? Clinically maybe. Realistically speaking no. The little kid is exploring her boundaries and the world around her. For the 11 year old,  I have already narrated this story to him more than once. Told him to NOT please friends, just so he can be in their good books. Told him, that good friends will see through and positive behavior is what gets things going. 
It’s okay to clap as the heroes pass by. But it’s NOT okay to surrender.  
Taylor Swift sings it very well 🙂 Mean. Love this song! Its so true. 
“If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.” 
– Taylor Swift

Lean Upon, ‘Lean In’ !

So here we are, women united as one.  From Eve to the woman of 21st century, we have wandered, gathered food, fed our families, fought for it from Roe vs.Wade to our right for equal pay. Today almost a century and half later since the Syracuse convention, as we bask in our respective glories of achieving the lives we love and dreamed about, there comes a huge thunderbolt.  A book that tells us we forgot to ‘Lean In’ and it creates a rift between us sisters. Sisters who have for centuries thought of each other as one. 
I am  joining the ‘Lean In’ discussion very late, I know. The media buzz is fading out and yet, here I am, a laggard just joining the discussion.  I am going to take a few steps back. I downloaded the book “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg on March 11, 2013.  It’s the day it was released. What took me so long? Well to be quite honest, I had to read it twice, before I was confident enough to write this post. 
Read it twice! I know its odd. Well here’s why? The first time I read this book, it left me feeling angry, frustated and annoyed. It made me feel that everything I had done so far in my life was wrong. It made me feel that if I had  been just a little more adamant, maybe just maybe I too could have continued to have a career and a family like all my friends. And this was within the first 20% of the book.  I wasn’t enjoying, so I just stopped reading it.  
I was confused.  I know what I was reading, but logically or emotionally it didn’t make any sense at all.  How can a woman icon; Sheryl Sandberg write a book that generates  such strong feelings of self doubt. This book was supposed to be about empowering women, I said to myself.  It just didn’t add up. So I decided to let it sit and not read it any further. 
Then, ironically Facebook came to the rescue. A women’s group decides to read  Lean In as part of their book club initiative.  I pick it up again, this time instead of continuing where I left off, I start from the beginning, and try very hard to not think about what the media said or what I read in its reviews. I try very hard to not take every word in the literal sense but rather apply it to my situation and see if the logic works. And interestingly it does. 
This post is not about critiquing the book or analyzing it in anyway. The merit of the book is given. It’s amazingly written and speaks to every women irrespective of geographical boundaries. Instead, this post is about what I am taking home after reading the book.  
Lean In has interestingly allowed me and other women alike, to Lean Upon Sheryl Sandberg, and I say this metaphorically. It has allowed women across the globe to lean upon her experience, her insight, her familiarity to the subject, her exposure to the corporate world, her understanding of the problem and above all her maturity of accepting that we are all alike and yet different. Sheryl Sandberg has allowed us to lean upon all this and take in her worldliness and apply it to ourselves.  

What do you think, this is leaning on ? 🙂 
As I lean upon , ‘Lean In’,  I realize, that it’s okay for me to not want a high profile career like my fellow friends. I realize that its okay for me to continue being adamant about saying NO to job offers that do not allow me to leave at 2.00pm and pick up my kids from school and more importantly I realize that it’s okay for me to be a mom first and everything else, there after. 

Happiness has an academic definition, but I am yet to find a definition that fits us all. Happiness is relative.  

The book in some ways tells us to focus our energies on the internal locust and not on external locusts. It tells us too not worry about the world around us, because guess what the world doesn’t care. 

At the first read, my interpretation of the text was that every women needs to be an executive striving for success and if she doesn’t, she is short selling herself.  Second read, I read it differently. It does not say that. The book simply asks us to identify our aspirations irrespective of the conventions around us.  It could be interviewing for that dream job or the vice versa leaving corporate world and doing something for yourself. Either way, it tells us women to find what makes us happy and go for it. 


This is important because what makes us happy changes as we move along in life. As a 20 something, I wanted to own the world and then came along my son and I didn’t care about the world as much. Maybe it was hormonal, maybe it was his smile, maybe it was my wish to be there for all his firsts.  Today, when I have a little bit of “me” back; the concept of “myself” is coming back in the happiness equation.   I am sure as I grow up, my equation will change again. 
To find your happiness quotient, lean in to your network. It does not matter if you are a high profile corporate executive or a newly wed, we all have a network. Sometimes its just a matter of asking. As a SAHM when reading this book, I thought to myself, where in the world will I find such a network? Interestingly, when I started talking, I found quite a few who were willing to talk and give advise and that’s really what it is.  
It’s my job to reach out and go for my dream, but if I can find a few who are willing to point me in the right direction, it makes the journey shorter and allows me to enjoy the success faster.  


How the book will change corporate America is yet to be seen. It has however succeeded in waking us up from the complacent stage that we were all in.  It might even add a new measure of success that goes beyond the profitability of a company. 

As I come to the end of this post,  I thank Sheryl Sandberg for allowing the women of the world to lean upon her know-how and apply it to their unique situation. 

To me this quote sums it up beautifully:


“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” – Nora Ephron 









Thank You or Not!

A few days ago, she was asked a simple question, why do we say thank you? Came from a 4 year old  who didn’t want to express gratitude and her mom was just being adamant that she should. I am sure you all know who the mom was, so moving on. Mom tried to explain that it’s just a way of saying “you liked what you got and are happy.”
“But I am smiling, that means I am happy,” came the smart response. “Why do I have to say thank you every time?” It was a busy day, so making a mental note to herself, Mom carried on.
Come night time, Mom’s “me” time. She is busy texting away with friends in India, when she says “thank you” to her friends for promoting her blog on their FB walls. They all in one voice say, “don’t say thank you, that’s what friends are for.” And it took her back to her college days, when often she was the center of attention simply because she said thank you for an act that was considered intrinsic of the job description.
It took me back to yet another time. A time when my older one had also stopped saying thank you and I struggled at that point too. For not too long ago as a  family we moved from the heart of the USA, Midwest to the Silicon Valley. The Valley where all the magic happens. The Valley where if you can imagine it, chances are you will find like minded folks who will help you make it a reality too.  
Coming to the valley, showed me a US that I never knew existed. Here was a state which was a melting point of ethnicities.  California is ethnic but I am still debating on whether it is diverse or not. Diversity to me is when in a class of 30 students there are a few blends of ethnic flavors, and few is more than three to me. 
Ethnicity is an interesting concept. True, that different cultures bring in new perspectives and introduce us to the world around us. It also brings in something else, variations of the simple “Thank you.“
7 years ago when we moved to the valley, my son then 5, stopped using his Please and Thank you’s and upon asking why? He simply said, “no one else does.” Sadly, he was right. This is something I had noticed too and had hoped that it would escape the innocence of my son. But it did not.
Does that mean that people here are rude? ABSOLUTELY NOT! 
The valley attracts the smartest brains and the most creative minds. It doesn’t matter what you wear or look like, you will be accepted for who you are.  But within this ethnic pot is a variation of cultures. Cultures that have the same core values but how those values are expressed is worlds apart. 
My friends in India often joked that I should have been born in the US, not because I didn’t know the local language but simply because I did something which was not considered a necessity.  India is a very emotional country.  It has cradled civilizations for centuries and with this age comes the maturity of relationships. Relationships that are taken for granted and yet go beyond the Please and Thank you’s. Relationships that tell each other that we are there for you no matter what. 
And similar is the case of other Asian countries.  Like India, they have too cradled civilizations and matured.

The western part, no not western, but the US is a much younger country. A country that prides itself in individualism, innovation and its capability to adapt to change.  The immigrants brought with themselves the cultures they grew up with. The assimilation of cultures has found its balance and the American way of life is very informal.  American culture is not rigid and set in manners, unlike the European countries that brought in the early settlers and immigrants.

This cross cultural drift often leaves our kids “in between” cultures.  In the US, it is good manners to say thank you to a clerk who helps you, a store attendant who answers a question or just about anyone who you talk with, specific relationship ties are not necessary.  But in India, I was never taught to do that. I was taught to be polite and respectful, but not necessarily say thank you. 

©Imperfectly Perfect Creations
Saying Thank You is special
but saying it with flowers is even better. 
I am not a historian or a cultural expert. Just a mom, who sparked by the simple question of her younger one is trying to understand the importance of the two magic words. 
My conclusion, the difference between why some cultures use please and thank you so abundantly while others don’t, probably stems from their roots. 

The age differences of the countries.

The United States is a very young country as compared to some of its Eastern counterparts. It’s still in its twenties and  defining its relationships, trying to understand what works and what does not. It’s been at the brink many times, but its youthful capabilities to adapt help it bounce back like no other country. The pride and arrogance of adolescence coupled with its young energy allows it to reign without mimicking its ancestral roots.

Gratitude is present in every culture. Across the globe we all know and understand the word ‘thank you,’ however here in The United States, we express it abundantly, because the youthful nature of the country allows it to show gratitude without wondering whether it should or not.

Coming back to my problem, what do  I tell the 4 year old and not let this cultural difference change the values that are important to me. I did the same thing, that I did with my son. When he resisted saying please and thank you, I stopped responding.  
Success rate; Partial.

And I am okay with it. Because part of the trick to survive in a melting pot is blending in. I don’t want him saying it so often, that he gets singled out.  Just like him, I am sure my daughter will too find her groove and balance of her please’s and thank you’s.

As for me, I continue to say “thank you.” My friends still remind me in every chat session and I say Oops! every time. I know when I meet them, this habit will entertain them for a few minutes and that’s okay, because when they chose me for a friend, they chose me with all the please’s and thank you’s that come with me. 
Thank you is important to me. I say thank you not because I am being formal, but because I appreciate what you did for me. I say thank you not because I am Ms. Elegant, but because I really like the gift you gave me. It’s a simple word but can bring the widest smile on a glum face. 
So, Thank You! 
Thank You, not because it’s a befitting ending to this post but because I know you have a busy schedule and yet you took the time to visit this blog, and I truly appreciate that. 

When Life Stood Still !

Gone is the era when we hoped for some social life, looked forward to meeting long lost friends, or feel the joy of actually sitting down and writing a letter. 

“Life is busy, and busy is good,” is the mantra now.  From CEO’s to elementary students, we are all juggling our scribbled in calendars.  If you are thinking, this is one of those posts, where I tell people to slow down and smell the roses, you are wrong. I am not going to do that, because you have been told that before by one and all. 

What I am going to tell you is a little story, and maybe you have heard this story before too. But I heard it for the first time today. 

To make a long story short; the children had just come back from school. The older one was a busy guy, he announced that he had two tests and one quiz to prepare for, and also that he was really tired, he wanted a break. The younger one a kindergarten genie, announced that he was also very tired and wanted to rest. 

Their mom looked at them, thinking, she is also very tired, maybe she should also rest. It was one of those rare moments when all the planets were aligned perfectly and much to her surprise, she said “o.k how about we all sit down with some popcorn for a snack and watch a show or a short movie.” The kids were shocked and gave each other the glance. Is she serious, they thought. A weekday and she is asking us to sit down and watch T.V, that’s typically been a total no no with her. They just stood there, thinking she is going to laugh out loud and say “Got Ya!” But she did nothing of the sort, she picked up the remote and turned the T.V on.  

The kids excitedly jumped on the couch and took their favorite spots, really looking forward to their surprise T.V time. 


“This is so much better than a surprise quiz,” said the older one, while giving his younger brother a high five.


And then it happened, suddenly there was silence and their mom had the frustated, irritated look on her face. “What happened?” asked the children worried. “I don’t know, why isn’t this thing working, why is it that when we really want to watch something, this  never worked,” she continued to talk with  herself. 

She went and picked up the phone to call the cable company only to realize the phone wasn’t working either. 

To be connected with OR To be connected to. Its a choice! 
She tries to log on to the internet to see if the cable company’s website had any information, and of course, the internet wasn’t working either.  Perfect! she said. “The one day, that I want it work, nothing happens.”  

“Why don’t you text dad and ask him?” suggested the smart 5 year old. She tried, only to realize the Wifi is dead too.  Great! There is no way of instant communication, she thought. She tried calling her husband, no answer.  

From the time she had picked up the remote to the moment she tried calling her husband, the time lapse was only 7 minutes. And they felt like the longest 7 minutes. She told her kids to go back to studying and their normal schedule.  “Why?” said the kids, “if we had been watching a movie, this would be a break, why can’t we have a break and do something else.

” No! She said firmly, I have to figure this out. So off went the kids, while she stood in the kitchen wondering what to do. She looked at the time, 8 minutes now.  

She decides to have a cup of tea, and as she was filling up the kettle with water, she decides to go check the Time Capsule. It had a blinking orange light. That can’t be good, she thought. So she got the manual out and read through. 

“Blinking orange” meant no internet connection. Great, so the internet was down, which meant no phone, no T.V no nothing. 

Her life came to a standstill. She looked at her watch 10 minutes. How does she solve this problem? She can’t google anything. Deep in her thoughts, she dumped the water back and found the quick cheat sheet of the cable company. She read through it, nothing useful. She looked at her watch, 13 minutes. 

“Mom, what is the meaning of this word?” breaks her silence. “Why don’t u google it?” she responds instantly. “I can’t. Remember,” quips the son back and “I don’t have a paper dictionary,” he reminds her again.  She walks up to her son and tells him the meaning of “archipelago” and comes back to the kitchen.   

It happens, she hears the humm, the humm of a new email on your smart phone. With alert ears, a racing heart and trembling fingers she picks up her phone. 

YES! she shouts out loud.  She quickly picks up the landline, it’s working, she turns the T.V on, its back.   “What happened?” asks the 5 year old.  “Nothing!” says his brother “Mom got her internet back,” beating her to the response. 

“Yeahhh! Now we can watch the movie, right Mom?”asks the little one.  

She looked at his pleading eyes and said, “sure, why not?” “Really!” The kids were so excited and super happy. She looks at them all smiles and says to her self, “this is better, I can post the blog later.”
You guessed it right, and I will let you separate fiction from realistic fiction from non-fiction. 


But it’s worth thinking, it was measly 13 minutes, did life really stand still for her. No! she chose and made “life stand still.” 

It’s yet again, one of those “Imperfectly Perfect” situations.  

Lesson Learned!

The “Dress Up” game.

It was one of those perfectly routine mornings. 
Wake up, shower, make breakfast, get their lunches made, wake up the kids, get them ready and 8.05am sharp, start the walk to school.  Interestingly the school rush hour sometimes makes it longer to take the car, so on days like today, when the sky is a bright clear blue, we choose to walk. 
Those days are gone when I could drop him off to school, wait to say bye and sometimes even get a light hug or a high five. In fact the hugs stopped 4 years ago, and now I am lucky if I can get a casual wave, which in the “almost teenager” world means, “Bye Mom, I love you too!” or so I have been told. 
These days, we walk and stop about 100 yards before we reach the crossing guard, and say our non hugging byes. He walks with a casual cool look, while I wait, and pretend to play with his little sis as he crosses the road and is almost at the end of the side walk. Ok, you can say it,  a little over protective and that’s okay, after all these days are not going to come back. He has most of his life to be a grown up, but just a few more years to be a kid. 
As I walk back, an everyday Mom greets me with a “Hi, how are you?” Usually, that’s the extent of our conversation. I don’t know her name, and I doubt it if she knows mine. But today was different, she paused and exchanged a sentence or two with my little one. And then asked me, “where do you work?” I said, “I work at home, I work for my kids.” She smiled and said, “that’s really nice, that’s the best job.” 
She made me very happy, I was enjoying my blissful state, and she said “but you’re always looking fresh and dressed up.” 
Dress up for no one, but yourself! 

A showered look and a pair of clean clothes, isn’t that the basic hygiene we need to maintain and try to teach our kids too. 

Well, at that point the look on my face was “Huh! What did she just say?” Thankfully what came out from my mouth was a shade smarter. I told her with a fake smile, 
“I dress up to go to work, just like you do.” 
That’s all it took. We smiled and said our byes and went our ways. I am sure she thought of me as a smug, and that’s okay. I honestly don’t care. 
Few hours pass by and its time for pick up, I see a mom, she was waiting in Valet pick up, stepped out to talk to another parent and she was in her PJ’s. I am not trying to be judgmental or saying that I have a great wardrobe or an amazing sense of fashion. On the contrary, I don’t wear designer stuff, most of the stuff I buy is from wherever they have a good sale going, but I refuse to go to school with a “straight out of bed look.” 

The sad truth is I have never seen a dad dropping of their kids in a “straight out of bed look.” Why do we mom’s create this image for ourselves? 
Being a SAHM mom is absolutely every reason to look and feel pretty.  It doesn’t matter what dress size you wear or what is the color of your complexion. You are beautiful so dress up for yourself.
Dress up, like you would, if you were going to work in the real world; because you are.  
Today was just one of those Imperfectly Perfect days!